Saturday, April 8, 2006

THIS ABOVE ALL
Convocations are boring affairs
Khushwant Singh

Whenever an institution invites me to some function and wants a favourable write-up, it appoints a good-looking young woman to escort me. Even at my nineties, I remain a sucker for girls who are easy on the eye. Prof Raj Singh Dhankar, Vice-Chancellor of the Maharshi Dayanand University at Rohtak, invited me to its 13th convocation to be presided over by the Chancellor A.R. Kidwai, Governor of Haryana. C.Rangarajan, Chairman of the Economic Advisory Council to the Prime Minister, was to be chief guest. Professor Dhankar sent Sumedha Dhani of the Department of Mass Communication to bring my daughter and me from Delhi. I fully approved of his choice of escort.

We drove in a motorcade taking Governor Kidwai to the function. It is quite an experience to be led and followed by cars fitted with red lights and sirens screaming out orders to everyone to get out of our way. So we sped through congested West Patel Nagar, past a speeding Metro train out of Delhi to Bahadurgarh. It is seemingly endless sprawl of bazaars with very few patches of green in view. The road badly needs to be made a double-highway. What took us one and a half hours to accomplish could be cut down by half. Like Gurgaon, Rohtak has become a suburb of Delhi.

Rohtak is the land of Jaats, the toughest of the species. It was the hometown of Sir Chhotu Ram who got them a distinct official recognition. What in Punjab is Jatt is Jaat in Haryana. Every Haryanvi farmer is a Chaudhary, every elder is tau (uncle).

We drove into the spacious university campus spreading over 800 acres. It was started 28 years ago but now buildings are still coming up everywhere. We arrived at the guest house to the strains of the police band playing the national anthem. Kidwai inspected the guard of honour. We had half an hour to spare and awaited the arrival of the chief guest. He arrived a few minutes later. The first drill was to shake hands with faculty members. Like them, we were draped in purple and red gowns. It was a pointless drill as no one can possibly retain a 100 new names rattled off in a few minutes. Then we marched in procession to an enormous pandal packed with guests and students.

Another stand-to-attention for the national anthem. I sat on the dais between Kidwai and Phool Chand Mullana, Education Minister of the State. Kidwai had much to do: conferring doctorates, diplomas and certificates of merit. Phool Chand and I had nothing to do so we kept ourselves busy exchanging gossip. I told him anecdotes about Chand Ram and Bhajan Lal spiced with some jokes, I had read in Rajbir Deswal’s compilation of Haryanvi humour: "You have to tell them in the dialect, translations take most of the fun out of them," I complained. Phool Chand agreed. As an example he recalled a verse of mixed English and Punjabi very popular in his school days:

I asked him to write it down for me. He did in Devnagari. The closest I could get to in translation was:

I pulled out a few sticks of cane to chew

The farmer said, "Why did you steal my cane, I ask you?"

I replied: "My dear farmer what did you lose?"

By my stealing just a few?"

We interrupted our dialogue to hear Rangarajan. I don’t understand anything about economic development, public and private sectors or the Five Year Plans. All I want to know is whether or not the country is doing well. Rangarajan assured us that it is. And within a foreseeable future, we will have rooted out poverty and unemployment. That was the only time the otherwise bored audience gave him a loud applause.

After he finished his address, Phool Chand and I resumed our small talk. He gave me another instance of mutilating English words into Indian forms. A father asked the headmaster of a school to admit his son. The headmaster expressed his inability as "kondishanalities" (conditions) stood in the way of admitting the boy. The father replied: "Where there are conditionalities, there should be mumkinaats (possibilities) to get over them." I asked him to put it down on paper.

The convocation dragged on and on till well after lunch time. I asked Kidwai how often did he have to undergo such ordeals. "At least one every year in Rohtak. It is the duty of the Chancellor to be present. It is a big day for the recipients of doctorates, diplomas and certificates of achievements. One has to share their joy".

I decided to forego lunch to return to Delhi in good time for my delayed siesta. Sumedha was with us. She helped me decipher Phool Chand’s writing. She knew the Punjabi-English doggerel by heart. The return journey was swifter than on the way out. It was a pleasant experience of the academic world, but I swore never to expose myself to a university convocation again.

What two things are on the rise in India?

Pre-marital sex and Sensex.

(Contributed by K.J.S. Ahluwalia, Amritsar)