WEBSIDE HUMOUR

Pink elephants

A woman walking down the street one day saw a man walking towards her. The man was talking to himself, waving his arms around his head and jumping up and down three times. He repeated this several times. The lady asked the man what he was doing? The man replied I am keeping the pink elephants away. The lady replied, "Why? There are no pink elephants around here." The man replied, "I know, works great doesn’t it?"

A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the customer. "That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don’t you have anything larger?" Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, "will be $6.65." The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what," she said, "I’ll take both of them!"

After many sessions, the psychiatrist says to his patient: "Congratulations, Sir, you are cured." The patient says: "Cured? My foot." "Before I was Alexander the Great, now I’m nobody".

Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an emergency room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What’s the good news?" The doctor says, "I’m kidding. She’s dead."

At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That’s wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma