WEBSIDE HUMOUR
Age of hope

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

Viewpoint

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.  The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.  My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.” He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

End of reward

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet the man’s trouser. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that.  He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!” The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the butt!”

Perfect match

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John,   “How come you aren’t married?”   John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”   George: “So what are you looking for?”   John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn’t hurt either.”   George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry you!”   John: “Oh, it’s okay, if she is crazy.”  

Smart objective

The English teacher asked Tommy to give her a sentence with an object. “You are very pretty,” he answered. “What’s the object?” the teacher asked. Tommy replied, “To get an ‘A’ in English.”

Short-changed

“If you had a quarter,” quizzed the teacher,” and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?” “One quarter,” said little Johnny “You don’t know your arithmetic,” said the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my father.”

Long hunt

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.  “Ma’am,” he explained, “I’m on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar.” “Wow,” the woman replied.  “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?” “My babysitter’s boyfriend.”

Good & bad

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: “About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news.” The man asks for the good news first: “The good news is that you have 24 hours to live,” says the doctor. Horrified, the man asked: “If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??” “I couldn’t reach you yesterday.”

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma