WEBSIDE HUMOUR
Mrs Know-all

A man saw his neighbour holding onto a restless and agitated pig. "What are you planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I’m carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you want to do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it’s my wife. She is one of those women who knows everything. I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again...she says I know. I tell her there is more trouble in the East again ... she says I know. I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I’ll wait for her to come running to me screaming ‘there is a pig in bath!’ ’There is a pig in bath!’" And I’ll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know."

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks," a man said to his friend.

"Was he successful?" his friend asked.

"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

Kathleen gets out of bed, throws on her robe and slippers, uncovers the parrot cage, pulls up the shades, opens the window, puts on the coffee, and sits down to read the paper. The phone rings. A man’s voice says with anticipation. "Sweetie, I just flew in from London. I’ll be right over." She puts down the paper, turns off the coffee, closes the windows, pulls down the shades, covers the parrot, takes off her robe and slippers, and gets back into bed. The parrot says, "Damn. That was a very short day."

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign on the glass door "Danger! Beware of dog!". Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A man who was really behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors: "Dear Sir, your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did."

A couple had built their dream house and were furnishing it with quality pieces as they could afford them. The delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway. "Finally!" the excited wife exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I’ve been waiting 12 years for this."

"Don’t blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

A woman with nine children, ages one through nine, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you," the judge asked. "Eight years ago," she replied. "If he left eight years ago, where did all the children come from?" "Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma