WEBSIDE HUMOUR

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don’t jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float." As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it’s supposed to fly too."

Two newly acquainted men were sitting in a bar when they start discussing their families. One of them said: "My wife is like Mona Lisa"

"Wow! You mean she’s beautiful and has an enigmatic smile?" his friend said.

"No, she is flat as a canvas and ought to be in a museum," replied the other.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Each of the recipe began the same way — ‘Take a clean dish’."

The winter break was over and the teacher was asking students about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell ‘Punxsutawney’?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma