Webside humour
Playing safe

A priest was preparing a dying man for his ‘long day’s journey into the night’. Whispering firmly, the priest says, "Denounce the devil. Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man says nothing. The priest repeats his order again. Still, the dying man says nothing. The priest asks, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man replies, "Until I know exactly where I’m headed, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet."

Judi was walking by the jewellery store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. She went in the store. "Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

Ten men and one woman were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they would fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands....

A girl suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it!" "Shut up," she says, "You’re next."

When a woman in our office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first 10 years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" she asked.

"Ten years," came the immediate reply.

During a football game one of the players takes a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move. The physician and coach grabbed first-aid gear and rushed out on to the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, "Hey, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire salary. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you don’t see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A girl came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the daughter replied. "I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn’t," she replied, "there was no one there."

A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: Last chance for $1.55 gas."

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "So, how much is gas in Kentucky?" The man replied, "A buck and a quarter."

 — Compiled by Sunil Sharma