Webside humour
Demo assault

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table. He then faced the judge and the jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

Home truth

A husband came home one night and saw his wife crying. He said, "What’s wrong?" She said, "I’m homesick." He said, "This is your home." And she said, "Yes, and I’m sick of it."

Double fun

One day a man found an odd lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his neighbour gets the double of what he gets.

"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie.

"I want $ 1 billion," replies the man. "Remember," says the genie, "your neighbour gets the double of what you get." "I know," replied the man.

The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he’s very content. "Your neighbour gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

Blonde brilliance

Three blondes enter a bar and order champagne. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days." The bartender can’t contain his curiosity, so he asks one of the blondes, "What’s all the chanting about? She said, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb. So, we decided to set the record straight. We bought a puzzle and on one side of the box it was written "two-to-four years", but we put it together in 51 days."

Friend indeed

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear came 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then, began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren’t going to help, you can’t outrun that bear." "I don’t need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

 — Compiled by Sunil Sharma