Webside humour
Missed kiss

A husband and wife had just woken up one morning. The wife said to her husband, "Dear, you know our new neighbour Mr Jones?"

"Yes, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy husband.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol’ kiss. Why don’t you ever do that?"

The husband sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don’t know her very well."

A woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

The lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto. I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "But you must buy a ticket first."

There is a gentlemen’s club where the man at reception who cloaks the member’s hats, coats, umbrellas, gloves has a reputation for an infallible memory. In 30 years, he is reputed never to have given the wrong coat, hat, gloves or umbrella to any member when they left the club. One day, a member decided to test it out. As he left the club and was handed his coat, he asked the concierge, "How do know this is my coat?" "I don’t, Sir," came the reply "Well, why did you give it to me?" "Because, Sir, you gave it to me."

Two blondes were fishing by the Ohio river on different sides of the bank at night. One blonde was catching a whole bunch of fish, but the other hadn’t caught any and was frustrated. He called out to other guy, "How come you’ve been catching all the fish and I haven’t caught even a single one?"

He replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t you come over here?"

"Well... I don’t see a bridge, and there is no boat, and I can’t swim too well" The first blonde picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, "Why don’t you walk across on this beam of light?"

The first blonde was outraged and said, "Do you think I am stupid? When I get halfway, you’ll turn it off."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $5000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of them looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife in a polite manner so that she is not shocked?" One friend, named Robert offered: "I’ll do that". They tell him to be discreet, be gentle and not make the bad situation any worse than it is. Robert assured them: "Just leave it to me." Robert walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Robert says, "Your husband just lost $5000 playing cards." She hollers, "Tell him to drop dead." Robert says, "Okay, I’ll tell him".

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says,  "Get out of here with that dog!"  The guy says, "But this isn’t just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"  The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,  "If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house." The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are loving it. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"  The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother.  She wanted him to be a doctor."

"Well, Ted, you’re certainly coming up in the world. What’s the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies?" "Oh, it was my wife’s idea." "Your wife?" "Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."

 — Compiled by Sunil Sharma