Webside humour
Diploma child

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around shopping mall in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma" or  "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma" and so on. Eventually, a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech University, and this is what she came home with."

On realising that she had put on a pound or two, a wife lamented to her husband, "I’m fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You’re not fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat." Their daughter, a high schooler, who was listening to their conversation interrupted: "Mom, he’s grading you on the curve."

Mr Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup."

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."  Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

"Our salesman George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It’s a wonder he can sell and I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back." Just then, the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You’ll never guess what happened, "he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. We got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order." "See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he’d forget the sandwiches."

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the family court insisted that they undergo some counselling to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you’re 95 and your wife is 93. You’ve been married for 72 years. Why do you want to separate now?"

To which the wife replied: "We haven’t been able to stand each other for the past 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell." A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell", the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "It seems the Hell is full."

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalk. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again." One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

 — Compiled by Sunil Sharma