The Tribune - Magazine section

Webside humour
Height of guts

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. When he asks the stewardess for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow." The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky, you ....." Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach, "I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, you ....." Next moment both he and the parrot were wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can’t fly you sure have a lot of guts to open your big mouth."

Small wonder

When little Johnny’s family moved into a new double wide trailer, one of their former neighbours dropped by. Seeing Johnny out, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?" "It’s terrific," Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."

Loyal till end

A miser man who had saved all of his money was dying. He requested his wife, "When I die, I want you to put all my money in the casket with me." When he died and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife put a box in it. One of her friend said, "I know you aren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I’m a Christian; I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." So I put all his money in my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can encash it, he can spend it."

Light talk

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I’m a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you’re a moth? Well I don’t think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

Quick deal

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay. The sales associate insisted that the price was fixed. The man came out of the store and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and asked if he would lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. The rich man said he wanted to buy a car. The poor man thought for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: "Please buy one for me too."

Poor judgment

A man committed murder. To fight his case, he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this wasn’t good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000. So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said, "I would have got you this result for $100 only."

Spelling trouble

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks

Tommy if he can spell ‘before’.

He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that’s wrong." Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that’s wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell ‘before’?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent, Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That’s easy. Two plus two be fore."

Flying start

A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane, she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday. My pilot just died," she screams. The ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position." "I’m 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat."

Compiled by Sunil Sharma