Webside humour
Job security

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, "Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said: "My lawyer."

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

A five-year-old’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where’d we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, son."

The kid said, "Now, I can see why they threw him out."

Some of the most tactful people on earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Smith, I really don’t know how we’re going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we’re going to try."

Customer: "Can this wool coat be worn in wet weather?"

Salesman:" Of course madam, have you ever seen a sheep carrying an umbrella?"

An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That’s awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months, you are going to forget everything I told you."

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator’s teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronisingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

A burglar alarm goes off in the middle of the night, and the police arrives just in time to catch the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.

"What’s an accomplice?" replied the burglar.

"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"

"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get reliable help these days?"

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don’t be angry," the mother said, "Your little sister doesn’t realise that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother said: "Now she knows."

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

Compiled by Sunil Sharma