Webside humour
Timely gain

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.  The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before he had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked  slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch. “How did you do that?” asked one of his friends. “My watch is 30 minutes slow.”

One for the road

A father asked her 15-year-old daughter who was seeking driving licence to go through the driving book thoroughly so that she may not fail in the theory exam. “Oh,” she said, “I already know everything in the book.”   “You do?” dad returned.

“Yep”, she said, very smugly.

He thought, “OK, we’ll just see about that. I’ll give her a  hard one.”  So he asked her, “How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?”
“One,” she replied.

“What?” he said.

“Yeah, only one, Dad. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brake, but only the right one.”

Twin talk

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!” 

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”

Strange record

A lawyer named Strange died. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

Tough lesson

A couple was sleeping at night when the wife thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged her husband and whispered, “Wake up, wake up.”

“What’s the matter?” the husband asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“Fine. That’ll teach them a lesson.” the husband replied.

Prompt act

Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies’ service. The first one said, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to mail a check to the wife on Wednesday evening”. The second one said, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.” The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”

Expectant moves

A commanding officer was very strict and hated doling out weekend passes without a very good reason.

“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” a soldier told the officer. Much to his surprise, the officer said, “Permission granted.”

Inspired by his success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the officer  asked why he should grant him permission, the soldier responded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her.”

Cop’s choice

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”

Compiled by Sunil Sharma