Webside humour
Misplaced cheer

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: “Come and bury my wife.”

“But I buried your wife 10 years ago,” replied the undertaker.

“I got married again,” the man sobbed.

“Oh,” said the undertaker. “Congratulations.”

Brain drain

A man took his wife to the doctor. After a short examination, the doctor said: “Your wife’s mind has completely gone.”

To which the man replied “I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years.”

Partner tangle

Late at night a couple was sleeping in bed when suddenly the door bell rings. The couple wakes up. The woman says: “Quick. My husband is back.”

The man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: “Oh! But I am the husband.”

Stumped

A man was so excited about his promotion to Vice-President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice-president of peas at the grocery store.”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, he decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and the man says “Can I please talk to the vice-president of peas?”

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

Fair deal

“Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honour,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

Spirited spouse

A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking. One night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil.”

He sticks out his hand.... “Beat it, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister for the past 20 years.”

No profit, no loss

On his way out of the church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”

“Absolutely not.” replied the pastor.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the $100 I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

Gen gap

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. He says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

Teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

Stern snub

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.”

“My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”

He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?” “In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.”

No escape

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is still alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for that wall.”

Compiled by Sunil Sharma