Webside humour
In a soup

Joe, the neighbourhood chronic borrower, approached his neighbour, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?" "Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup." "What kind of excuse it that?" demanded Joe. "Well," confessed Ray, "I admit it’s a lousy excuse. But, if I don’t want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."

A fellow getting a shave from an amateur barber asked him if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?" "I don’t know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband was to die," he said. "What would you get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn’t seem so quiet."

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK." and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?"

Miss Crabtree and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent-teacher conference. Miss Crabtree said to Little Johnny’s father, "Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son." Little Johnny’s father asked, "What’s that?"

"With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I’ve never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I’ve never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays such as Christmas and Easter; Jews celebrate their holidays such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. Every religion has its holidays. But we atheists have no recognised national holidays. It’s an unfair discrimination." His friend replied, "Well, why don’t you celebrate April first?"

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That’s wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What’s the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

Compiled by Sunil Sharma