Webside humour
Keep peace

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important — my favourite football game on television, or her flimsy New Year programme. To keep peace, I let her have her way and handed over the remote of the TV to her, barely hiding my resentment. Several minutes later, my wife, bored with the same old stuff on TV handed me back the remote. By the time the football game was just 10 minutes before it was over. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the second half and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn’t miss a thing."

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

"I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking," his friend says.

"I’m in the process of quitting," the man says.

"Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"What’s phase one?"

"I’ve quit buying."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan’s bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Read less. Makes you think.

Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more.

Starting tomorrow.

Spend more time at work, surfing

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Not have eight children at once.

Start being superstitious.

Personal goal: bring back disco.

Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

Not eat cloned meat.

Create loose ends. Get further in debt.

Not believe politicians.

Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

Wait around for opportunity.

Focus on the faults of others. Mope about my faults.

Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Compiled by Sunil Sharma