Webside humour
Politician

A politician to a woman, "You look beautiful today."

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I cannot say the same about you."

"Sure you could," said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do."

One day a wife asked her husband what would he do if she were to die.
The husband replied, "I’ll also die."
The wife asked him, "Why?"
Husband replied, "Well, you know I have a weak heart and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness."

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself."

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, he suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You’ll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don’t talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.

"You’ve been so good to me already. If you go, I’ll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please . . . tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

A blind guy at a bar says, "Hey, anyone wants to hear a great blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the man next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, let me tell you that the bartender is a blonde girl. The bouncer here is also a blonde. I’m a 6 feet tall, 160 lb. blond with a black belt in karate.

The man sitting next to me is blond and is a boxer, and the lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "No. Not if I have to explain it five times."

Two elderly friends were sitting on a park bench in the evening time when one turns to the other asking, "Bill, I’m 83 years old and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?’ Bill says, " I feel just like a newborn." Rather amazed, his friend repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A newborn?" 

"Yeah", grins Bill, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants.

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma