Webside humour
Professional

A woman driver found she had locked her keys inside the car. She was in a hurry to get home to attend to her sick daughter. Panicky, she looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground which could help her open her car but she didn't know how to use it. She bowed her head and asked God for help. An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? "

He said, sure. He walked over to the car and in seconds, the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears said, "Thank you so much. You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft. "

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "Thank you God for sending me a professional."

A Hollywood actress was asked, why she had fired her cook.

"Don't ask" the actress sighed, "She prepared food fine, but told everyone that she had been serving me for forty years ."

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

You turn out the light for financial reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Dialling long distance wears you out.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thank you, your honour. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

A cowboy walked into a shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked. The cowboy replied, "I figure if I can get one side of the horse moving, the other side will go too."

A husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel. The hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

At a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweller. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: "To my one and only love." That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter, yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled, while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

— Compiled by Sunil Sharma