RELATIONSHIPS
When children lack empathy
Taru Bahl

SAVITA had bought up her sons with single-minded devotion. After her husband's prolonged illness and later demise, she had supported her in-laws and ensured that her sons did not want for anything. Friends felt she stretched herself beyond acceptable limits. While it was necessary to keep the family afloat, it was equally important for the boys to feel the pinch and adjust accordingly.

By offering everything on a platter to her children, she enabled a situation to develop wherein they could absolve themselves of responsibility. It was not their fault that they did not make that little extra effort at lightening her physical burden by pitching in around the house. From expressing their wants in a covert manner, they gradually became outright selfish and a delay in gratification resulted in resentment.

She made excuses for their lethargic ways, gave them food in bed and allowed them to fussy. She picked up clothes after them, tidied their almirahs and even bought their clothes and underclothes even when they grew up. She did these things out of 'motherly love'. Her indulgence was a compensation for the adversity they had to face. Had her husband been alive, they too would have been able to flaunt big cars, latest mobile handsets and designer clothes which children their age took for granted. She had felt apologetic about this.

The idea of re-marriage never occurred to her in spite of there being suitors in the initial years. Getting up at 4 am and dropping dead post-midnight, her day's routine did not allow for a moment's respite. She constantly stretched herself to accommodate the boys' demands. When they turned into opinionated, male chauvinists she did not notice. She had always thought she would be able to raise sensitive young human beings who could stand up for themselves and value her sacrifice. Knowing the present generation, she dared not hope to be looked after by them in her twilight years.

She wanted to organise herself, save and make provisions to stay with an older sister or enroll in a good old age home. She was sure by the year 2020 the stigma attached to being in an old age home would be reduced. She just hoped she did not have to be dependent on her boys. She wanted them to take flight and find their place under the sun while she watched with pride, from the sidelines.

All through the growing years, she worked hard at keeping money aside for their future studies. Fortunately they were bright boys who turned serious about their careers at the right time. They made a realistic assessment and knew that unlike other children in their peer group they neither had ancestral property and family businesses to fall back upon nor have wealthy fathers who could finance their education abroad. They had to stand on their own feet. They did well in studies, took their exams and one by one, went overseas on scholarship. The world heaped her with congratulatory messages telling her how lucky she was. The entire sense of purpose associated with building her children's future was eliminated in a single stroke. They would soon be self-sufficient and would not take her advice on decisions affecting their lives. By the time they got married she had steeled herself into accepting that her role as and when they did tie the knot, would be more as a formal guest and not in a decisive or participatory mode. The elder one married a girl from the Indian community in Canada and the younger one got married to a Belgian in the USA. As the years rolled by, the boys continued to send money home. They made their once-in-two-year trips to be with her and to take their wives and children around India. They also lovingly invited her to be with them. They did look after her, taking her for concerts, sight-seeing and shopping trips. She willingly handled their kitchens, dishing out home-cooked Indian food. Yet, when the time came to return, she always knew that it was indeed time to return. She was, after all, a guest, to be temporarily accommodated not a part of their existence. Besides, she was too scared to experiment with that possibility. She still tried kidding herself into believing that she would always be welcome for an indefinite period of time and they would, if need be, do seva.

She still had two more years to go before retirement. Her friends presumed she would go and live with her kids and bask in the glory of 'grandmotherhood' but she knew that for her own sanity and respect she must keep sentiments aside and find something worthwhile in India. If the boys still kept coming back home, well and good, otherwise she should gradually detach herself. Expecting returns would prove hurtful.

Wasn't it enough that they were reasonably happy with their lives ? The bonus was that they did not expect her to come and help them sort out their problems.

She knew she had brought up her sons to be successful but they should have been sensitised in the emotional quotient department.. Trying to be a magical provider, even at personal cost, she had given them a license to privilege themselves in all their decisions. How much ever she may console herself that she liked her aloneness, she knew that with old age and failing health being next on the cards, a long and dreary period of loneliness was just round the corner.

This feature was published on February 15, 2004

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