Serve without sacrifice
I.M. Soni

DO you identify yourself with Parvati of Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki, Kumkum in the serial of that name, Karishma of Kehta Hai Dil, or Pushpa of Bhabhi?

If so, chances are that you too are suffering unconsciously though, from a self-sacrifice syndrome, more aptly called the martyr complex.

These characters show and prove one thing: it is dangerous to be too good!

These masochistic tendencies inflict sobs and sufferings on these characters, and on others who live or deal with them. They eclipse sunshine from their own life as well their dear and near ones and spread clusters of black clouds. They cry more, talk less. Words come only as punctuation marks in the flow of their tears.

Take an emotional inventory.

Have you been sacrificing yourself on the altar of someone else’s desire? Do you carry others’ burdens? Take an irrational pleasure in magnifying every act for loved ones in the hope that they will heap appreciation upon you?

Do you go about with a pained expression that says: "Look at me! I am killing myself to bring others happiness"?

If you give the impression that you are facing things with great fortitude, that you are suffering in silence, you fall in the category of the self appointed heroic martyrs of the human species. And when two martyrs get together to compare notes, it becomes a martyr society.

A woman with martyr like qualities is one who has an inferiority complex and tries to get credit for qualities that she does not possess.

She will willingly slave for another whom she respects and regards as a strong character, just to be recognised as a capable character in return.

The only compensation a martyr desires is the appreciation of those for whom she is virtually mortifying herself.

"Ihave worked my fingers to the bone for him," I have beard many a housewife moan. "But it meant nothing to him."

This is the trouble with those suffering from the martyr complex: they want to do everything for their loved ones. They overlook the fact that it is bad for others to be relieved of responsibilities or duties rightfully theirs. And, it is bad for the ‘martyrs’ to keep butting in on activities that should be of no concern to them. Rimjhim in Piya ka Ghar is a tedious example. No amount of snubs deter her from her self-appointed agenda.

The tragic fact is that they imagine that their self-imposed martyrdom makes them more lovable to their relatives. Actually, it takes the sheen off their actions and denies them genuine appreciation.

No one like being reminded time and again of the sacrifices another person is making for him. But a real martyr dies hard. Women who face the threat of having the halo of martyrdom snatched from them fight to retain that which they have grown to love.

Those who love to play the martyr submerge their own personalities. They devote a lifetime to unnecessary servitude and privation. They lose their ability to enjoy themselves, live their own life and fulfil themselves as human beings.

What a distorted idea they have of what constitutes service and happiness! Of course, they may have unintentionally brought this condition upon themselves but it makes the situation miserable no less.

It is one thing to be emotional, another to be a sentimental fool.

HOME