LIFE TIES
Standing the true test of friendship
Taru Bahl

PEOPLE around Naina envied her ability to have friends who stood by her in the most crucial hours of need. Whether it was recovering from a broken heart in college, not making it to medical college or coping with the debilitating illness of her mother, they lent support and tried to fulfill all her needs.

The fact they could reach out, reassure, bail out and give direction never failed to amaze. What added to the 'friendship cycle's' appeal was the fact that she did not studiously cultivate these friendships. She had never even flaunted her friends. Through the three-decade period they had known Naina, these friends had been around.

If one was an old school mate, there was another who had been a neighbour in an unlisted place on the map. A retired Army officer, 30 years her senior, whom she had encountered on a train journey and an ex-colleague who had fallen in love with her, expressed his feelings and learned to accept that her fondness for him did not stem from a romantic attachment, formed a part of a motley collection who swore unwavering loyalty to her. In her hour of need, they flung open not just the doors of their homes but their hearts as well to help her tide over the crisis.

While most agreed that the bonding one developed in school had a spontaneity which allowed you to shed adult masks, most school friends outgrew their need for each other. Having gone their separate ways, there were things which were not so much in common after all, except for a shared childhood. However, Naina's realistic approach ensured that the intimacy was not tainted by demands. She loved without attaching preconditions. Once she accepted her fondness for the person, she did not fit him into any tailor-made slot. Aware of his intrinsic limitations, she never expected him to do what he couldn't.

However close a friend may be, she never took him for granted. By not expecting anything, she could actually appreciate every gesture that he made. By not imposing herself, she brought the maxim, "if you love a thing, set it free, if it comes back to you it was always yours, if not it was not meant to be" in practice, for all her friends were there for the asking. No misunderstanding pushed them away for too long. When ever this did happen, she could sort it out because she never allowed her ego to get in the way. It did not matter who took the initiative so long as the problem was resolved. Being honest and candid, without any ulterior motive or deception, she could, without mincing words, analyse why things had gone wrong. She felt it was necessary to let the other person know even if it was unpleasant, for the future of the relationship depended on that.

Her friends knew that she was one person they could turn to for an unbiased opinion. They had the confidence that she would tell them how wrong they had been. And at the end of it, however wrong they might have been she would still love them no less. In her hour of need, people went out of their way to help her for yet another reason. She had an intuitive understanding of those close to her. She knew only too well what they were risking by helping her in X or Y area.

At times, by lending a monetary hand they could be dipping into their savings which they had painstakingly put aside, by offering unstinted support they could be jeopardising their standing in their homes or places of work (by offering her a place to stay when their in-laws or spouses disapproved of the arrangement). She could sense the extent of their embarrassment were they to go whole hog and help her out. While she had made no explicit demand for help, she knew she could let them do it, since she would have done that, maybe more, had the tables been turned.

But she maintained a stoic distance, convincing them to stay away and at times pushing them, avoiding them and telling them off. Her logic being that they stood to lose more than what she stood to gain. To her mind, just having friends, who could put everything at stake to reach out and help without being told to, without being emotionally blackmailed or reminded of the favours they owed her, was enough to give her strength to tide over problems that were hers and hers alone.

Also though her friends disagreed, it was her firm conviction that her friends were only her sukh ke saathi. She would never dream of putting them through her periods of sadness simply to test their friendship. A person of tremendous honour, she modelled her life and her values to the needs of others. She had inadvertently, without meaning to, ensured that her friends were tied to her for life. The more she wanted to 'protect' them when she felt she was emitting negative vibes in her low periods, the more they hovered around her. They had learned from her how to be dignified too. For, they did it subtly. When they sensed her voice dipping, they would come over with her favourite rajnigandhas. When she held onto the phone a bit longer, they prodded her to talk, putting their tasks on hold and later just 'dropping by' and insisting on taking her out for coffee. When they saw that her financial position did not allow her to indulge in clothes for herself or her children, they found occasions to gift or pass on hand- me-downs. When they felt she could do with more assignments in her kitty, they talked to their contacts and procured work without making it appear like a favour. The amazing thing was she always knew that they had gone that extra yard to help her. She was gracious about it but she always put their efforts on record. The very same people who had the reputation of being miserly, were most indulgent when it came to her while those who were indiscreet loud mouths, guarded her confidences fiercely.

Above all, she was an honourable person who was always there for others and who was practically 'egoless' in matters of the heart. There was no way her motley collection of friends would not go beyond all calls of duty or conformity to do their bit for her.

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