A recent study commissioned by the internet security firm Symantec shows that this sort of cyber-surveillance among spouses isn’t uncommon, and that women are more likely to snoop than men. The research showed that 40 per cent of the women would attempt to access their partner’s emails if they suspected they were cheating; a mere 25 per cent of the men said they’d do the same. Sixtytwo per cent of the women would check their partner’s mobile phones for suspicious text messages, as opposed to only 39 per cent of the men. Maybe the actual statistics say more about men’s ability to adopt the ostrich approach to relationships than it does about women’s nosiness. "Often when there are problems in a relationship, men are less likely to open up and admit to them than women," says Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor.

But what does the overall trend say about our relationships, given that so many of us, regardless of gender, resort to these desperate measures?

Susan Quilliam, relationship psychologist and author of What Makes People Tick, says, "If you’ve got to the point where you’re spying on your partner, you’ve gone beyond the point where you’re having a normal, adult, respectful relationship. This is no longer love, this is either obsession or self-torture."

Yet while she may not agree with it, Quilliam understands why cyber-surveillance has become so pervasive. "In communication terms, the world is ever more complex," she says. ‘If you think back 100 years, we all lived in fairly small communities. If your partner was having it off with the next-door neighbour, you had many opportunities to find out that this was happening, not only because you might see it, but because the other villagers would see it. Now we leave the house in the morning and we don’t see our partners maybe till 11pm. The communication channels that we have are many more, and much more complex. This creates more opportunity for infidelity and betrayal of all sorts. It also generates a lot more insecurity."

As a basic detective tool, this kind of thing may be fine and well, but when we can’t let go of our hurt, that’s when snooping can progress to the next level, and mutate into obsessive behaviour. When Judith broke up with her boyfriend of five-and-a-half years, she found it difficult not knowing what was going on in his life. "One day, while I was on the Net, I decided to try logging on to his Hotmail address and it worked!" she says. "I could read all his emails from his mates, his family, and even his new girlfriend. When they went on holiday together for the first time, I was able to find out where they were going, right down to the name and address of their hotel. I could also spy on his conversations with friends and even saw him joining online dating agencies behind his new girlfriend’s back."

Judith snooped on her ex for four months. Reading about his recent infidelity helped her to eventually realise she was better off without him. "I decided it was time to move on with my life, especially as we had already split up. I realised that I was never going to be able to do that while I was still trying to be involved in what was happening in his life," she says.

So can snooping be therapeutic? That’s a dangerous thing to say, according to Knowles. "It’s a bit like saying revenge can be therapeutic. It’s likely to be short-lived."

But humans are naturally curious. Curiosity is the basis of all learning, and we wouldn’t have civilisation without it. But when it starts to become pathological, says Knowles, is when you should start want to start worrying. When you’re questioning everything about a specific area, such as your partner’s whereabouts. When you are absolutely compelled to check your partner’s mobile phone for dubious text messages, should they leave it lying about; when it consumes you, that’s the time when you need to seek professional help.

I’ve been happily married for 13 years. Now I reckon that if I found out my wife had had an affair, our marriage could probably survive. There’s a lot worth working for. However, if I discovered that my wife had installed Spector on my computer, I think it might be game over. It would be a sign of a much deeper malaise than a simple, fleeting marital itch. What the SpectorSoft Corporation doesn’t issue is the statistics relating to the number of marriages that have been ruined when innocent spouses find out they’re being snooped on for no good reason. — Guardian