Sunday, September 7, 2003		Life Ties

Overcoming the burden of being the elder one
Taru Bahl

KANIKA'S ears still rang as she recalled the unending string of instructions which parents, aunts and uncles bombarded her with. Not once did they lose the opportunity to stress her role as an elder. As a child, she had initially felt a sense of pride at being singled out for taking up various responsible chores but as the years wore on she cringed at the thought of being the oldest among three, being a girl and this syndrome lasting her a lifetime.

In the Verma household, the joy of having a child after three decades translated into everyone proudly showing her off as a gifted prodigy. At six, she was playing the piano with a magical understanding of western music notes and was designing websites for the entire family. Her parents wanted her to not just be intelligent but also well-behaved, unlike any other kid they knew. The way things looked then, Kanika was not going to let them down.

Her parents near-obsession with her could to some extent be attributed to a gynaecological problem which prevented her mother from having any more children. Things would have been different had nature and destiny not had other plans. Her mother got pregnant and delivered triplets, out of which two survived. Overnight, Kanika from being the only darling of the family became a caretaker for her little siblings. Everyone from the driver, ayah and tutor to the 90-year-old grandfather now expected her to play mom to the babies and also to look after her mummy who was going to be weak for a long time.

Kanika’s childhood vanished in a trice. If earlier she was being over groomed to perfection, there still was a lot of compassion and patience that went into initiating her into an entire range of activities. Now, not only was she expected to fumble her way through them but was also no longer noticed as she painstakingly made each new breakthrough. The laudatory responses were substituted with monosyllabic acknowledgements. Being a sensitive child, she withdrew into a shell but unfortunately continued to get hurt by every word, gesture and action.

For Kanika, her angst was not so much to do with sibling rivalry. Being six years older, she could understand that they needed greater caring and she was happily willing to lend her stronger shoulders. What she could not get used to was the sudden disinterest in her talents and the thrusting of an expanding list of chores. Added to this was the expectation that she ought not to complain any more. If she had a row with her best friend, mummy would no longer have the time to mollycoddle her. She would have to thrash it out on her own.

The initial training ensured that Kanika be lady- like with all her p’s and q’s in place. The family was more caught up with the physical bringing up of the twins. There was also a lowering of enthusiasm levels since the parents were older and not as fit as in Kanika’s time. This led to their letting the twins be. As a result, the twins were more boisterous, fun-loving and self-willed. How she longed to play the fool like them but her conditioning never allowed her to be naughty, improper or childish.

What irked Kanika was to see the twins get away with anything under the sun. If they were adamant about wanting something, they would get it, logic and manners notwithstanding. If she wanted the same thing, she was expected to be sensible. Also, her parents always called out to her when they needed something, irrespective of how busy she might be. On the contrary, the twins were not asked to do anything, knowing that irresponsible as they were, the task would not only remain undone but if done would add to the nuisance value. Rather than being firm with them, everyone still expected Kanika to be compliant.

Inspite of the 360 degree turnaround in her upbringing for no fault of hers, Kanika grew up into a fine young woman. She retained her sensibility into her adulthood and excelled in both computers and music. She managed to push any disappointments she may have had from her parents into the recesses of her subconscious. Remarkably, she did not allow her resentment to impact her relationship with her twins. . Though she could not be one of them by joining them in their bratty ways which continued even as they turned into young men, she did have a great rapport with them. After many painful conversations with her inner self she had told herself that beyond a point she was not to be responsible for them and their actions. If they got into trouble and expected her to bail them out, she would do just as much as any normal sister would under the circumstances. This was one huge learning that helped her retain her sanity. She did not allow their unreasonable expectations of her to taint her impression about her self. She knew what being an elder sister meant and was never going to shirk that but she also was aware that if they did not learn to take responsibility for their lives, she would be equally to blame. If her parents had failed in their duty to instil this one basic value in them, they were at fault not she.

At the end of the day, Kanika resolved not to let her elder child grow up under the heavy shadow of being the responsible, correct, exemplary and reasonable one. She was not going to let him trade his childhood, innocence and playfulness at any cost. She had no misgivings with her parents but this was one thing she had agreed upon with her husband before marriage. And as she glowed in her expectant mother stage she made another wish: Along with her children, she was going to have all the fun she couldn't when she was a child. For a change, she would not think of being the older one!