Sunday, August 31, 2003		Life Ties

The greatest gift a father could give
Taru Bahl

VARSHA'S reminiscences of childhood were tainted with memories of her parents' fights. Loud voices, sulking faces, palpable tension and stormy walkouts echoed in her ears and flashed across her mind's eye. She grew up to be a responsible and normal girl but could not erase the trauma, helplessness and anxiety which those moments created. Thankfully, these were neither violent nor abusive for she never saw her father lift his hand on her mother. A perceptive child, she knew that her mother's tears stemmed from the injustice he meted out to her. She knew that he was not a "good husband" in spite of the fact that he left no stone unturned in giving her and Abha, her younger sister, the best of education.

Her sensitivity towards life, people and relationships made her see that crucial factors like empathy and understanding were lacking in their marital bond. He womanised, stayed out late with his drinking companions, kept erratic hours and ran up huge credit bills. In his later years, he gambled recklessly. Her mother, a mild and undemanding sort, tolerated his behaviour initially. Ironically, her ability to "tolerate", "cope" and "not complain" made it easier for him to continue with his misdeeds without any pressure to change.

Both Varsha and Abha grew up to be independent level-headed girls choosing professions suited to their temperament. In the initial years, they remembered their father showering them with gifts, expensive books and toys besides placing them in the best residential colonies, schools and clubs. Perhaps, it was his way of dealing with guilt and remorse. Abha took to modelling and after being a visible face on the Indian ramp moved to Europe. She later married and settled down in the UK, content with her lot. Varsha set up her own company to handle events and promotions. A people's person, she was a natural at not just impressing prospective clients but was hard working enough to retain them, cut-throat competition notwithstanding. Of the two sisters, she was the one who was, at once, street-smart and conservative. This gave her an unusual edge in business. She combined insights with a set of wily survival tactics to get business and invested old fashioned ingredients of dedication and sincerity to hold clients. It was exactly this approach which helped her "save" her mother from a lifetime of misery.

Varsha was more pained at her mother's plight. Normally, she always presented facts in front of people, letting them arrive at their own conclusions. Varsha tackled her mother's ambivalence by pushing her to file for divorce, giving her confidence that she could manage on her own telling her she did not have to take the rubbish that was doled out to her in the name of being Mrs So and So. That she was not working/earning was a deterrent. Only by breaking free could she reconstruct a pattern which allowed her to live independently. Her dependency syndrome was only counter-productive.

Their father was happy to be let off the hook without insistence on alimony. Varsha was keen they file for divorce so that re-settlement could have been an option, but remarriage was the last thing the senior lady had in mind. All she wanted was peace which the separation, if it was mutual, would automatically provide. Her husband, relieved at having got rid of responsibilities, left home on the fateful day this discussion happened. Varsha convened the "meeting" and took charge of her mother. There was to be no mourning or crying over what was and could have been. If at all, it was a moment to celebrate and look forward to happier times.

Varsha's job was demanding. She got her mother involved in the administration and was happy to see her adapt. The recovery was rapid. From a nondescript and nervous person, she began to look and behave differently. The authority and confidence returned, as did traces of quiet efficiency and competence which were displayed in happier times. If Varsha had any fantasies, it was to see her mother falling in love and getting remarried. Whoever said that children felt insecure or threatened with their parent's attachments to those other than their spouse couldn't be more wrong.

Intuitively Varsha had always felt the "no-bond" between her parents. She also knew that her father was not the "right sort" which is why her sympathy was confined only to her mother. The one thing which she felt strongly was that the only real gift which any father could give to his child was to treat his wife and their mother well. No amount of gifts, holidays and status symbols could make up for that. The woman who gave up everything to tend to the man in her life, deserved to be treated with love.

By taking her for granted and treating her as a doormat, he created negativity and hurt even though all of this was not directed at the children per se. It was a miracle that both she and her sister had grown into sensible girls capable of nurturing normal ties with people but the chances of them going "nutty", "batty" or weird had been there.

Their mother was a capable home maker. By treating her as a non-entity and openly eyeing other women their father had demeaned her and in turn the daughters too. To see her unshed tears and anxiety-ridden expressions as she waited endlessly, led to an impotent rage in Varsha. It was much later that this angst got converted into constructive action. Being a girl, she could not take her father head on though there were times she fought with him, questioned his movements and tried lecturing him. But more often than not, she crouched in a corner, watching her mother go to pieces, diminishing every moment, reduced to being a bundle of nerves whenever he was around.

This numbness in her mother's mental make-up took years to cure. Varsha planned out her days with the right mix of work, entertainment and fitness. She enrolled the senior lady for yoga and Art of Living course, hired a driver so that she did not feel guilty asking Varsha for the car, encouraged her to join a woman's club, accompanying her for some card sessions and touched base with one of her friend's mothers who was culturally active, requesting her to induct her mother. Soon an interesting routine got developed where the interaction had a positive influence on the older lady. Her self esteem picked up, she rediscovered herself and found a whole new world which ticked for those over 50!