Alligators

WHILE fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any alligators around here?!"

"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the alligators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming tourist and slowed down.

The beachcomber then added, "The sharks got them."

There was a knock on St. Peter's door. He looked out and a man was standing there. Peter was about to begin his interview when the man disappeared. A short time later, there was another knock. Peter went to the door, saw the man open his mouth to speak and then the man disappeared once again. A few minutes later came another knock. Again, Peter opened the door and saw the same man. "Hey are you playing games with me?" Peter called after him.

"No" the man's distant voice replied. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

A husband and wife were on their way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," the teenager daughter asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation, he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others."

Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma