Sunday, August 17, 2003		Life Ties

The old boys’ network as a safety net
Taru Bahl

"BOYS can never understand the depth of friendships, the way girls can. They can laugh, make merry and do silly things together but to appreciate real friendship or to maintain one over the years is something they have no natural training for" was what Ekta believed in. She felt enriched by the friendship she had nurtured with different people. Her brother was always surrounded by pals, yet she impressed upon him to separate the genuine ones from the fair- weather kind. She felt instead of having many friends, it was better to have a few who could stand by you through thick and thin. Fortunately, for her, the movie Dil Chahta Hai with its theme of male bonding went down well with Harish, her brother. He decided to sift the wheat from the chaff as far as his friends were concerned.

The more closely he observed his sister's relationships, juxtaposing them with his own, he was convinced that men were more upfront about the kind of commitment they could make. There were, as a result, fewer misunderstandings. Seeing the emotional investment Ekta made to keep her 'intensely passionate' friendships alive amused Harish. Sure, she had friends who would do "anything for her". At the same time, when things soured, which they did often enough, there would be uncontrollable crying, thrashing out trivial non-issues and then making up with much pomp and show. Also, when the sulking period was on, the girls would ignore each other for days at end. He was aware that, in spite of their much-touted intimacy, they indulged in backbiting and 'leaking out’ details of private conversations, convincing him further that he was fine the way he was.

If his flippant attitude towards friendships gave reason to Ekta to deride and pull him down, she was free to do so. He knew what to expect from his friends and was sure that the feeling was reciprocal. Besides, he couldn't possibly handle more than that. The daily dose of detailed conversations was not for him.

As his bum-chum pals flew the nest, each taking flight in separate directions, he was conscious that in spite of exchanging phone numbers, addresses and e-mails, there was every possibility of them losing touch. However, he was far-sighted and pragmatic enough to realise that whatever distance came in their way, be it in terms of physical space, time, circumstances or inability to maintain contact, it would not diminish the fondness they had for each other. They had spent their formative childhood years together and the foundation stone had been laid.

As the years went by, all the boys ended up doing well for themselves. Some of them kept in touch, meeting as they transited through Delhi. Often catching up with one friend was like updating oneself on the others as well. Promises were made to get in touch and come together but no one really get down to it.

Out of the entire group, it was Harish who made the effort to stay connected. He was accessible and did all he could to help any friend who approached him for assistance. There were times an old pal would seek him out, with a request to help him with a job or to get some advice on a company he was wanting business out of. Not only did Harish merely give a patient hearing but also went out of the way to deliver.

By the time the boys were in their 40s, there was a craving to re-connect and magically each one of them did came together. All it required was an e-mail from Harish. He had to spend some months getting his mailers with the addresses procured from different sources readied. Once this was done, the going was easy. He planned a foreign jaunt for all of them, minus the spouses. He was himself amazed at the number of confirmations he received immediately. It seemed as if everyone was just waiting for someone to take the initiative. Not one of them came up with excuses. Adjustment of dates was needed to accommodate the high fliers and once this was done, the party was on.

Mauritius was the venue and boy what fun it turned out to be! As one of them joked, "maybe there was a link between their wanting to re-create the mad years of their youth, reliving moments, incidents and conversations with the mid-life crisis that had hit most of them. Their careers had plateaued, health profiles were beginning to dip, most had relationship problems with their wives and on the whole there was a feeling of d`E9j`E0 vu and listlessness as if life was slipping by." The getting together proved cathartic. This was one group of people with whom you could just be yourself. There was no need to wear masks, make pretences or be self-conscious. One was simply transported to your childhood days and could laugh at things which most would not find funny and yet get amazed at the fact that you hadn't laughed this loud in a long time!

Promises to make these jaunts a regular feature were placed on record. Pragmatic Harish knew that this was a tall order. Few of them would make the effort of keeping in touch. Most would go back to their routines. The good thing, according to him, was that men did not attach too much emotional significance to relationships, which is perhaps why they last longer without complicating your life. The fact that each of them was placed well made their network stronger. They could walk into one another's offices or homes and be confident of help at any level. On a day-to-day basis there may not be the kind of intimate sharing that women were capable of but their friendships were not trivial.

Fortunately, for him, Ekta now endorsed this view. Her PR business was thriving, thanks to the contacts and leads he gave her to follow up. Also, she saw how the boys stood together in times of crisis. When a friend's business collapsed each pitched in to help him re-establish. When someone's daughter had to go to the USA for a bone marrow transplant help was arranged from pick-up at the airport to doctor appointments, accommodation and other detailing. Added to this was the emotional support at a tangible level. At the end of the day, she found "bhaiya's advice to be the best even in the way she dealt with her own friendships!"