Sunday, August 10, 2003		Life Ties

Old age bonding of mothers
Taru Bahl

MEERA was widowed in her teens. She brought up her son, Abhi, singlehanded. A woman with an uncrushable spirit, she was a toughie through and through.

The idea of remarriage was discarded in favour of freedom. A free-spirited woman, she had strong likes and dislikes which got further accentuated as she got used to being single. Working in the quality control department of a design unit, she picked up related skills, travelled abroad, rose to a managerial position and post-retirement, busied herself with freelance writing on her area of expertise. She insisted on living alone, visiting her son once a year for two months. When at the age of 84 she had a fall and broke her hip bone, Abhi bodily lifted her and brought her home. At that age too she could be stubborn, adamant and unreasonable. As he put it, "I am your son and if I can’t beat you at your own game, shame on me. If you take care you can live for another 10 years and I am not going to risk that simply because you insist on behaving like a child. It is time you lived with your children and freed them from guilt and incessant worrying."

Of course, she was grateful for her son’s concern, unflinching devotion and love. Yet, it was not out of character for her to complain about her freedom being curtailed and having to adjust all over again. There were times she was difficult and cantankerous but Abhi and Tara handled her by being firm. They brought in humour to both indulge and gently reprimand her when they felt she was going overboard or being unreasonable. The house worked with clockwork precision and she was the undisputed matriarch of the family. Given her physically active state and impeccable social skills ensured she befriend the entire neighbourhood, often resolving community issues in the twinkling of an eye. There were more visitors to meet "Auntyji" than everyone in the house put together.

When Tara’s father passed away, the most logical thing was to get her mother to move in with them. Tara had lost her brother in a tragic accident and mother had been unable to come to terms with her loss and grief. There was no ailment she did not suffer from—hypertension, diabetes or ulcers. She made matters worse by being disinterested in eating and sleeping. She was a bag of bones and could barely see. The desire to live had long been snuffed out. On the contrary, she lamented about the fact that God had punished her for past sins by giving her such a long and useless life.

Tara could see the potential disaster that they would be saddled with by getting the two old ladies together but Abhi was confident that it be good for both the octogenarians. For too long they had been forced to don the roles they were convinced were best for them. Now was the chance to actually live for another person. His mother needed to "baby sit" someone. Besides, she could rediscover some of her old gentleness and nurturing qualities.

Tara’s mother could draw strength from the "never-say-die" attitude of the other older lady and find a new meaning in her life. Whatever the outcome, they could be sure of some interesting fireworks. The young couple did a thorough drill of how things should function, the administration and logistics of the household were re-worked, strategies set in place and with humour, love and confidence they set about putting the two ammas together.

What could have been an ordeal, burden and irritable task took on the role of an action- packed adventure, thanks to the positive attitude of the son and daughter-in-law, who in turn enlisted the energies and support of their small children. They resolved to make the remaining years of the oldies as comfortable and happy as was possible. In spite of their preparedness, they were taken aback by the antagonism that greeted them. Both the mothers could maintain a stiff cordiality which their relationship demanded. But to tolerate each other day in and out was too much. Abhi’s mother couldn’t, for the life of her, understand why Tara’s mother was such a weepy sort. She tactlessly spun stories of hypochondriacs and those suffering from various kinds of psychosomatic afflictions casting furtive glances in the other lady’s direction to see how she was responding to her veiled barbs.

Tara’s mother found her intrusions off-putting. She would like to find a corner in the garden to sit and hear the twittering of the birds and hate to get drawn into a conversation that least interested her. Much as she tried staying out of the other lady’s way, she found their paths crossing. Willy-nilly she would find herself listening to some tale about the neighbour’s cat or the gory details of an accident or theft in their vicinity. When the conversation would take a U-turn, she would be oblivious. Startled, she would discover that they had digressed and were now talking of her younger days, of how her husband and she travelled to different parts of the world, how they had a retinue of servants and how things changed with her son’s death.

After every such emotional outpouring, the two ladies would hug each other and at times even lull the other to sleep, cradling each other in the arms like one would an infant.

Starved for company, both of them despite getting irritated by the other actually ended up developing a mutual fondness. If there was a classic case of opposites attracting, this was it. Soon, the two of them were going for walks and movies. On adventurous days they even tried some papdi chaat and returned home giggling like schoolgirls joking of how they would be down with a tummy upset for a week after that ! The household acquired a colourful character. Why there was an infectious air of bon homie, good-natured leg- pulling and warmth was because Abhi and Tara shared a great rapport. Their marriage was a unique partnership which meant enveloping each other’s concerns, worries, anxieties with the intention of resolving things. Parental responsibility, especially when one is young, working and following a rhythmic pace of one’s own does not come too easy. Each partner can blame the other for the changes that this adjustment brings about be it monetary, social or behavioural. By graciously accepting the responsibility of looking after two old mothers, they not only put in place an efficient system but ensured that it worked. They cut down their own socialising, made sure they spent time with them and took turns to run odd errands. The entire family came closer, children became gentler and more compassionate and the unit actually prospered. There were times visitors felt that it was Abhi’s greatness that he was supporting his wife’s mother, but not once did he give the impression that he was doing anything that was out of the ordinary. The cutest thing however, remained the bonding between two old women who were as different as chalk and cheese.