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| HER WORLD | Sunday, August 10, 2003, Chandigarh, India |
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The art
of effortless aging Battle of the sexes Social monitor Masculinity
of Jats |
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The art of effortless aging CROSSING miles not only changes the nature of landscapes but the shape and contours of people’s lives, even at times their intimate natures. When a friend who lives in Ottawa, said "I will show you a bit of the country" I gave in without too much enthusiasm. Will "the country" really be "country" I wondered expecting to distantly see some farms without people, some healthy black and white cows grazing on the green, a stretch of road through the village with a gas station, a McDonald, a subway or a KFC, a tiny antique store hidden behind a bill board and parked here and there some pick-up trucks selling fresh sweet corn and freshly plucked blueberries. I did see all these but much more. I discovered a place called Manotik just half an hour away from the capital city, a place whose life has grown around a 200-year-old mill site. The Mill, poised on the banks of a quiet river, is the village’s historical monument. Though much has changed since 1859 when the mill was established, Manotik resonates with mill memories. A young girl with eyes as blue as the blue jeans she wore proudly narrated the story of the Mill. With sparkling eyes, she traced the rise and fall of its fortunes and that of the village. When river traffic gave way to rail and water power to steam and electricity, the village went into decline. As did the mill. Then came the highway bringing mobility, and later the Ontario Hydro which brought electric light and, even more memorably, indoor plumbing. And all this happened only as recent as the 1920s which in her mind seemed like a far away time. The old phrases ‘millstone round a neck’ and ‘grist for the mill’ gained for me a meaning seeing for the first time a massive round stone with a hole in the centre. Seeing the glint in her eyes and listening to her was more exciting than learning the mechanics of how the Mill worked. For this young woman, a graduate in English from the University of Ottawa working at the Mill mattered. She was happy to be back in Manotik, content with a summer job that acquainted her with the history of her birthplace. She counted out the sites we must visit - the houses dotting Mill street, most of them built by M. K. Dickinson, the father figure of the village. No.1127 she told us was a fine example of the classic style of architecture of the 1830s. It was Dickinson’s family home, also a general store and the village’s first post office. Sir John Macdonald, the famous Canadian Prime Minister was a frequent visitor to this house. Hence we too must visit, she advised. No 1128, next door to it, she told us was the Union Bank built in a time when bank managers were expected to live above the bank for security reasons; No.1135 was a house that Dickinson built for his workers; 1139 was a jewellery store, then a boarding house, 1143, the Bridal Salon one of Manotik’s three hotels. The one to survive most admirably we gathered was No1137, the Miller’s Oven, where we were told to have our lunch. Once a busy general store selling everything from fish to coon coats, it became a site of the telegraph office and the village’s first telephone. Then the Imperial Order of Oddfellows bought it, housing on its lower floor a barber shop, placing in one room a pool table and in another one the public library. Today it was Manotik’s most popular Tea Room run by the senior citizens of the village. A little lady with silvery white hair met us at the door and cheerfully conducted us to our table. It was wonderful to see a woman her age so briskly doing a job which one expects glamorous young women doing. "I have been working here for twenty years," she told us cheerfully. Another silver-haired lady, sat at the cash register knitting rainbow coloured woollen tea cosies. One of them covered the tea pot which came to our table. She took to knitting them when the lady who was carrying on the tradition from another 90-year-old dame, died. This old lady knitted them now as naturally as she knitted the long woollen scarves for her grandchildren. Wearing a fuschia red knitted cap, her granddaughter, a bright-eyed thirteen year old was serving lunch. She brought us a tray of soup and salad trembling in her hands. Wearing red aprons and Millers’ Oven T-shirts young school kids like her waited on tables during the summer, working without pay but share in the tips. We took the advice of the silver-haired lady and ordered the home-made lentil soup and indulged in the lemon meringue pie that the wide-eyed young girl described as legendary with its "mile-high meringue." We left the Millers Oven cheered seeing the young and the old working together, interacting: the young learning to be responsible and the old feeling young circled by their exuberance and laughter. Back in Ottawa, the old began to look old and the young seemed beyond our reach. The scene changed the next afternoon when we were invited to tea at the home of an opulent lady. Two more opulent ladies were present. Sipping weak but expensive tea, the three, all in their late sixties, sat in deep cushioned chairs, vigorously talking about things which concerned their bodies, the way they looked and the way they lived. One had just come out of a private clinic having successfully gone through lipo-suction, a surgery to flatten her sagging belly. Her moss green mini dress showed off her new stomach. The other showed off her feet. She had just been through another surgery to remove her bunions she boasted. She talked endlessly about how she had nursed her feet in the following weeks, the soft slippers she had used at home and the black leather pumps she planned to wear for her first dinner out at the club. The two surgery experts goaded the third one to plunge into a similar adventure. She listened to them respectfully,
nodding in silence. We wondered about her. Unlike the two, she had
another life, one that tied her to a family, to concerns beyond her
stomach and her feet. She seemed a reassuring link between the gaping
gap that divided so starkly the lives of the old in Ottawa and nearby
Manotik. |
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Battle of the sexes
Navneet looks after the whims and fancies of her family. Her husband, Ananmaya, admits this. He can invite any number of friends at any time, for he knows Navneet will cook up something and go to the extent of making the evening so comfortable that his friends envy him for such an understanding wife. She leaves him in the company of this friends while she puts the children to sleep. An understanding wife? Ananmaya ponders and feeling confused, keeps quiet. These two families reflect the state of marriage in a number of middle class families in India. The couples are leading a comfortable life for there is double income, the children are going to good schools and the couple is far, far away from divorce. But, this is a false signal. Marriages like these are like a silent volcano waiting to erupt. When confronted, Saanika said, "Yes, on the surface one feels that we are the ideal couple but that is not so. I have suppressed my need to talk, share and touch because initially Manish ridiculed the whole idea of talking as ‘gossiping’. We fought over this a lot. Gradually, as the kids came I started sharing with them. Now, he wants to sit and talk but I don’t have the time and it feels kind of ‘funny’." The first few years which are so crucial towards building a relationship goes first in squabbling over what the boy’s mother and sister expect from the bride. The girl, on the other hand, is fed on Mills and Boon throughout her teenage years. She enters marriage with dreams as to how her man would arrange romantic evenings, shower her with Archie cards and sit and share his feelings with her. On the other hand, the boy is taught right from the beginning that talking is an activity in which only women indulge, it is an exclusively "woman-like" trait, showing feelings is ‘sissy’ and last but not the least he is told that the girl marries not only the boy but the whole family. So, this is how two people with different attitude agree for an "arranged" marriage. Navneet echoes the same feelings when she says, "Indian men waste the initial crucial years by dictating the wishes of their people. With education, financial independence and changing times it is difficult to cope with such aspirations which are never-ending. The man is good so you don’t feel like walking out of the marriage so you adjust in your own way by busying yourself with kids, reading books etc. This is a complaint which I have heard from so many of my friends. They have carved out their own routine which demands less of their husband’s time". This comes as a great shock to the husband for now he has a wife who is well-adjusted in his household but shows less concern for him in comparison to the early years of their married life. Manish says, "Yes, I am happy that my wife has never neglected the house or the kids. She knows my kind of coffee and I get everything without ever having to ask for. But I miss her being bubbly, chirpy and passionate which she used to be earlier. She has just got lost in the house and kids". Ananmaya too feels that, "Navneet has lost that child-like innocence that required her to come and confide everything in me. Earlier, she used to come and tell me the goings-on in the office, now she brushes off my questions by saying I won’t be able to solve her problem as I don’t know the people involved". However, both of them fail to realise that their callous approach and continuous neglect of their partners for many years has led to this attitude of their wives. Saanika says that now Manish looks forward to the occasional touch for he desires emotional security. With so much work to do, Saanika says, "Exhausted with the day’s work and the next day’s itinerary already chalked out, I go to sleep as soon as I hit the bed. During the day, the children keep me busy, so there is no time to talk and at night I am too tired’. In this game of giving back and settling scores, both the partners are at a loss. The husband whiles away his evenings with friends at the club for his wife will be busy with the children’s homework, dinner etc. The wife, on the other hand, after putting the kids to sleep sits in front of the television to watch the innumerable serials being aired. The couple winds up the day with a crisp ‘good-night’. The woman gets all the emotional security for the time-being from the children and feels that the emotional vacuum has been filled. She does not realise that children are like kites who are going to gradually drift away to start life anew. It is her husband who will stand by her in their old age. It is he who is going to sit quietly by her bed-side when she falls sick, then even his presence will be comforting and she will not be able to digest his going to the club when she needs him. She will have only herself to blame for she was earlier so busy with the children that he had to idle away his evenings somewhere and now it has become a routine without which he just can’t do. So, the frustration that they had accumulated over the years will only add up in their old age. Such a couple, especially the mother,
will end up interfering more and more in her children’s lives. This
will drive the children away from her because the daughters-in-law and
the sons-in-law will call it an invasion of their privacy. The mother
will then feel and advocate in her circle of friends that parenting is a
thankless job. The couples who are the happiest are the ones who haven’t
forgotten that they are husbands and wives first and parents later on.
The ones most miserable are the ones who have put all their eggs in one
basket without balancing the different relationships. The right
ingredient for a marriage to succeed as a loving one with cherished
moments is one which is built on the belief that the couple has to stand
together not because of social compulsions but because they love,
respect and desire each other. |
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Social monitor
Besides, the Bill permits prosecution of all those who victimise her, be they related to her by blood, marriage or adoption. According to Crime Records Bureau of the Union Home Ministry, of the nearly 1.35 lakh cases of crimes committed against women every year, almost 37 per cent are cases of domestic violence. (This means 50,000 women of the just reported cases) Existing legal provisions are inadequate. As of now, cases are registered under general assault (Section 323 to 326) or under Section 498 (a) which focuses more on dowry cases. The new Bill, for the first time, provides women a Section in the Cr PC, which deals specifically with domestic violence in both civil and criminal terms, something women activists have been asking for. But the clause that a woman’s right to her marital home be upheld has not been included. The reason cited is the state may not be able to protect a woman if she voluntarily enters the unsafe domestic area. Provision for the marital home is left to the discretion of the judge.
Appointment of Protection Officers, who will supervise cases where a compromise has been reached between the complainant and her family, is a unique feature of this Bill. Drawn from all walks of life, they will act as the civil court and help keep the couple together. Most women try to get their problems sorted out at the counselling stage. The Protection Officer will be a public servant, nominated by the state government. His/her function will be to assist the woman to seek legal help and find out whether protection orders have been breached or not, whether any violence has taken place. He/she plays a critical role between the woman and the court in trying to bring about an amicable settlement through counselling and other services. They are accountable and will face strict punishment in case of dereliction of duty. Instead of taking cases to the district judge, inaccessible in rural areas, they can be taken to judicial magistrates in districts. Criminal Law Contained primarily in the Indian Penal Code, 1860 (IPC). The IPC is supplemented by special laws, which define and punish specific offences under the IPC, ‘Culpable homicide’ is defined as causing death by doing an act: * With intention of causing death * With the intention of causing such bodily injury as is likely to cause death. * With the knowledge that it is likely to cause death (Section 209, IPC). Where the death of a woman is caused by any burns or bodily injury or occurs otherwise than under normal circumstances within seven years of her marriage, and if it is established that the wife had been subject to cruelty by her husband or his relatives, the death is termed a ‘dowry death’. (Section 307B, IPC). The husband or relative who subjects the wife so cruelty is presumed to have caused the dowry death and will have to prove that the death was not a result of the cruelty. Female infanticide, or forcing the wife to terminate her pregnancy are also forms of domestic violence recognised as offences under the IPC (Sections 313-319). Often victims of domestic violence, especially brides harassed for dowry, are driven to commit suicide. Abetment of suicide of a delirious person is an offence punishable with death or life imprisonment (Section 305).
Causing bodily hurt is a common form of domestic violence. The IPC defines hurt as causing "bodily pain, disease, pain or infirmity to any person." (Section 319). A hurt may be ‘grievous’ if it results in serious injury such as a fracture, loss of hearing or sight, damage to any member or joint etc. (Section 320). The IPC makes it an offence to voluntarily cause hurt (Section 321) or grievous hurt. Also criminalised is the voluntary causing of grievous hurt by dangerous weapons (Section 326) and voluntarily causing hurt to extort property (Section 327). Domestic violence is wrongful restraint (Section 349) or confinement (Section 340) of the spouse within her marital home. Use of force (Section 349) assault (Section 351) is punishable. Marital rape is a grey area of law and evidence. Non-consensual sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife maybe an offence if she is living separately under a decree of separation or any custom (Section 376).Act of sexual humiliation can be penalised (unnatural offences). (Section 377). Misappropriation of spouse’s property. If the husband or his relative dishonestly misappropriates or converts to his own use any property, which the wife has entrusted him with, he is liable for the offence of criminal breach of trust (Section 405 to be read with 406 IPC) In 1983, matrimonial cruelty as an offence in IPC. Defined as "Wilful conduct which is of such a nature as is likely to drive the woman to commit suicide or to cause grave injury as danger to life and or health (whether mental or physical) of the woman". It includes harassment of the woman in connection with demand of property. Civil law too follows criminal law, inasmuch as it addresses facets of domestic violence with out specifically defining domestic violence. Even references in the statutes to aspects of domestic violence are generic — only through judicial decisions such provisions have been given life and meaning. The fate of the Domestic Violence Bill seems to be akin to that of a harried woman who struggles to find a voice. While physical abuse has social and cultural sanction and rarely evokes censure, mental and psychological abuse is dismissed as much ado about nothing. A woman is prevented from speaking out by a sense of shame that she associates with being the victim. Economic dependency, coupled with cultural conditioning and internalising of the notion of male superiority prevent her from taking a stand. What one overlooks is that gender sensitisation has to be done right at the stage of child-rearing. As long as child-rearing practices are biased and a girl child considered a liability, equality can be only notional. So acceptance of violence begins right at the foetal stage. —
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Masculinity
of Jats THE Jats of Punjab trace their origin from a tribe called Jatticas which migrated from Central Asia to this part of the country. Soldiers by instinct, they subsequently took to agriculture as a means of livelihood. Vernacular usage distinguishes between two broad meanings of 'manliness.' The word mard associates itself with power, control and employing legitimate means of violence. Mardaangi is used to refer to a man's sexual prowess. In the study, Gender Violence: Construction of Masculinities by Rainuka Daggar, Senior Research Fellow, Institute for Development and Communication, Chandigarh, it was found that Jats consider physical strength (74.2 per cent) and clothes (74 per cent) to be most reflective of 'manly' traits. For a Jat peasant, it is so very crucial to be daler enough to protect his family and fight for his rights. The physical prowess of the Jat has always been his distinctive feature. He considers himself mard enough to violently assert his right over land, water and women. Interestingly, for a Hindu earning a living is the essential trait to be considered mard. There are other studies on masculinity that have also revealed that sexual power and its visibility in procreation is an integral component of `manliness.' Between 58 to 73 per cent consider it their responsibility to have children. The ignominy of being seen as impotent is taken as the difference between life and death. Violence against women to avenge or maintain mardaangi patterns around control over female sexuality and reproduction. It includes bodily access, aggressive sex and revenge for honour. The study also brings out certain other facets of Jat masculinity. 'Khalsa honour is the honour of its women.' Such symbolism legitimises male violence against women and also against the violators of female honour. Women, on the other hand, must observe restricted mobility, dress and conduct themselves as per defined codes, so as to keep up a chaste behaviour and avoid male aggression. The dominance of the peasantry and of the Jat in particular is pretty pronounced when it comes to the construction of masculinity. In a narrative, an SC woman, while describing manliness talks of her son, says: "He is tall and well-built and when he goes to town everybody thinks he is a young specimen of a Jat male." In Punjab, the decade of militancy was not only witness to visible violence but also a violent concept of manliness. A killer was seen to be manly - girls wanted to marry policemen or militants since they were 'manly' enough to kill for their cause. Physical violence such as wife-beating, slapping and use of physical force are perceived to be normative within the realm of the man-wife relationship. So innate is the practice that it 'occurs unconsciously.' Men describe its unquestioned acceptance as hitting a wall or beating a cow or any animal since it has been mostly met with stoic acceptance from the wife. The general belief is 'A woman, a boy, a walnut tree, the more you beat them the better they be.' |
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Anees Jung
SAANIKA
is indeed a busy woman. With two school-going kids and a household to
manage, she has her hands full. Being a working woman, her mind is
preoccupied with the chores lined up at home and office. She is happy
and so are her kids at the way she is managing everything. Her husband,
Manish, is proud of his wife for his house is clean, children
well-looked after and they have wonderful meals cooked by Saanika. Yet
is he happy?
THE
Protection against Domestic Violence Bill, 2001, seeks to redefine the
meaning of domestic violence to include mental and emotional torture,
thus destroying the fallacy that domestic violence is first and foremost
only wife-beating.