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Raincoaters vs umbrellites
WE refuse to learn from our wars. Till it is too late. Take the daily tussle between the raincoat and umbrella loyalists. I refuse to believe the driving rain can blind the world to the dangers of the situation. With everybody a 'raincoater' or an 'umbrellite', the conflict may well escalate into the mother of all world wars! But all we do to avert it is look heavenward. As if it is a one-day match the rain can wash out. That's ironical. For, rain itself is the seed of discord. She sets the 'umbrellites' and the 'raincoaters' at each other's throats like rival suitors. As a firm 'raincoater', I believe peace would stand a better chance without the umbrella. But like the menacing dinosaurs, the brolly stole an evolutionary march over the raincoat. The tree, the hide, the basket and the tropical farmer's broad-rimmed hat were all stages in the umbrella's evolution. Sigh`85if only the
umbrella had followed the big lizards through the evolutionary exit`85
But it hasn't. It has stuck around to torment the more evolved 'raincoaters.' |
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That's form, I say, what about function? What good is an umbrella in slanting rain? Is it any good in strong wind? People struggling to hold on to turned-out umbrellas fascinate me but I do not wish myself in their shoes. I love to see the 'umbrellite' get drenched while closing his umbrella to board a bus. But I hate him for the look he casts my way for sitting beside him in a dripping raincoat. I also hate him for teaming up with other 'umbrellites' to choke a street. Two 'umbrellites' take up as much space as five 'raincoaters.' So much for the 'umbrellite's' nuisance value, what really worries me, though, is his eagerness to injure. It is no secret that the umbrella is an excellent instrument of offence. The steel rod, its pointy top and U-bent base, all make the umbrella an effective weapon. The 'raincoater' hears the patter of rain and bears knocks from a hundred careless umbrellas every dripping day of his life. Umbrellas bang into his head, brush his nose and tug at his glasses. But nothing scares him like an umbrella's pins, sticking out to bust his eyes. I say, ban the umbrella. If that's asking for too much, at least have a set of rules for carrying it in public. Set the minimum height at which an umbrella may be carried and the penalty for hurting poor 'raincoaters'. In fact, it would be best to make umbrella etiquette a part of junior school curriculum. We are already doing the worst by depending on rain to wash out the coming battle! |
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The 'umbrellite' also
insists the umbrella is more evolved because it is chic, adds colour to
Wimbledon and brings smiles to photographers' eyes.