Sunday, August 3, 2003		Life Ties

Outgrowing the dependency syndrome
Taru Bahl

SONU couldn’t bat an eyelid without seeking sanction from his mother. The extra dose of love and care had stunted his growth. While his mother thrived on the fact that her son ‘loved’ her so much, he became a laughing stock amongst friends and family as a typical ‘’mama’s boy." It was his elder sister who finally pulled him away from their mother’s apron-strings. She not only admonished their mother for damaging Sonu’s psyche but also tried to encourage the latter to take his own decisions and be prepared to handle the consequences.

She told Sonu it was high time he learned to decide what to wear, how to greet people, form his opinions and study independently. So what if he made a few mistakes initially, he would at least have the confidence that he had done it on his own and could always better his performance subsequently.

Unfortunately, for Sonu, his sister got a scholarship to study overseas. Soon after, she left he was back to allowing his mother to rule his life. It was so reassuring to have her take charge. Rather than rack his brains to come up with options and solutions, it was by far easier to do what she said. Being a sensible and pragmatic person, her intervention was in any case favourable. The problem arose when Sonu got married to Renu, a girl of his mother’s choice. The younger girl only exerted more influence on her husband and resented his being a sissy. Being intelligent, clear and manipulative before the first year was out, she had engineered a brand new job for Sonu and secured for him a posting to another state. It was inconvenient for the parents to follow suit and for the time being they reconciled to their son and daughter-in-law shifting base.

The next four years were a transition period for Sonu. He had to get adjusted to the idea of not having a person constantly around him. One who could pick things up after him and who could take most decisions for him, telling him step-by-step what to do. Ironically, he was fairly organised and independent in his office work. It was only at home that he floundered so miserably be it in his interactions with family, writing letters, attending weddings or funerals, entertaining guests or shopping for himself. If earlier he had the confidence that all he had to do was call out "ma" and be rewarded in return with a beaming eager-to-please face, now he had to be prepared for a mile long lecture by his wife on how incompetent he was, how emotionally and spiritually deficient and how incapable when it came to donning domestic roles. This was also the reason she gave for postponing the decision of starting a family much to the chagrin of the Kapoor household.

While she could have happily worn the pants in the house and called the shots she firmly believed that man and woman, husband and wife were assigned specific roles and any deviation or overlap only created a chaotic imbalance leading to disharmony and discord.

The ensuing strains in their relationship became too much for Sonu to handle. Having a wife who never lost an opportunity to pick on him was humiliating. This feeling of inadequacy was further compounded with the added pressure of surviving without the support of his mother, his reliable trouble shooter.

He started spending more time in the office. When a colleague casually mentioned his visit to a tarot card reader, Sonu was curious to see what predictions she could make for him. Somewhere there was a craving to fill the gap left by the absence of the mother and his first visit to Maya, the woman with the mystical powers of crystal ball gazing was essentially as a result of this insecurity. While she did use her skills and understanding of human psychology/body language to make predictions, it was her soothing aura which kept bringing Sonu back to her. He did not mind paying the hourly fees of Rs 500. Over the months, she turned into a guru, soothsayer, counsellor, psychiatrist and friend who without getting emotionally involved was now holding his hand and ensuring he went through life with security and self pride.

He did not feel guilty impinging on her time for somewhere there was this feeling, " I have paid for my one-hour-a-week session which gets me an objective view of the happenings in my life without there being any fear of it becoming distorted. She has no axe to grind, no ulterior motive and where I am concerned my proximity is purely on a clinical professional basis." The absence of emotional tugs at his heart strings he found himself getting steadier.

Gradually, Sonu began to gain the confidence to map his own movements and actions. Maya was not commercially inclined. Furthermore, she knew that Sonu would soon get over his ‘mother fixation/dependency syndrome’. His wife would be happy seeing the transformation in him. There was a sense of buoyancy in his movements and a relaxed sense of fluidity in all he did. Gone was the uppity and opinionated attitude which actually was a clever camouflage of his uncertain state of mind. He was more at ease with himself and his surroundings. After two years of regular visits to Maya one day when he missed an appointment, he did not suffer from any withdrawal without receiving his regular dose of empathy and advise because by now his own internal responses had been activated. Gradually, without realising it he found he could put the Maya chapter too behind him. Finally, at the age of 40, he came into his own, cured of his tilt towards dependency. He no longer needed someone to lean on, draw strength from and identify himself with at least in the extreme sort of manner he had got used to. This helped him normalise his bonding with people around him. It needed a no-strings-attached, clinical non-medical intervention to bring about this change. He suffered from no identifiable physical problem. His own family could not help heal him. His accidentally stumbling onto an occult specialist, who happened to be a fine human being, helped him to take charge of his life.