Sunday, July 20, 2003		Life Ties

Romanticising the notion of marriage
Taru Bahl

ARTI and Ajay lived in the same locality in Indore. Their friendship blossomed when they were in kindergarten. Holding hands, dancing in the rain, playing marbles, chasing butterflies, giving ‘inseparable togetherness’ a new meaning, they crafted a mental image of a fairy-tale future where they would live happily ever after.

The parents thought that their children would outgrow what they assumed was a passing fancy, but the young lovebirds only got more passionate and possessive about each other as time passed. The restrictions which the elders imposed on them only made their resolve to unite stronger. After a 10-year courtship, replete with filmi twists and turns, they finally tied the knot under the disapproving gaze of their helpless parents who were convinced that the duo was ill-matched and the relationship doomed. Fear of losing their children had made then tone down their objections.

The first two years of marriage were an extended honeymoon. Working for MNCs, leading upwardly mobile cosmopolitan lifestyles, they bonded perfectly on all levels. The only jarring note occurred when Ajay’s parents came to stay with them. They had been upset with Arti’s decision to abort the baby early in the marriage. They accused her of being career-driven but had blinkers where their son was concerned. They were blind to the possibility that he too might have felt that it was too early to start a family at that time. They were convinced ‘poor’ Ajay needed caring since their ultra-modern bahu was neither an efficient homemaker, nor a good cook.

Short trips in the beginning were tolerable with Arti trying to toe their line, earn their approval and minimise the damage that had been done by marrying against their wishes. But when they became more demanding and critical it was difficult for her not to react. Almost everything she did was met with disapproval: "don’t hold hands", "don’t wear shorts and skirts", "don’t listen to loud music", "don’t party every night", "don’t work late", "don’t take on assignments which involve overnight stay out of Delhi", "don’t go overboard with dieting and cooking only boiled, tasteless food", "don’t waste money on non essentials items", "don’t pamper the servants". They were thoroughly convinced that it was Arti who was in the wrong and in her company their son had lost his reason. She had corrupted him with her high-society life and ambitions which defied everything that a good daughter-in-law ought to endorse.

As the months flew by and Ajay became got caught up with work there was less time to party. He enrolled himself for an MBA programme and motivated Arti to undertake a course in IT which would upgrade her skills. Since both returned exhausted from work and extra classes there was less time to unwind and relax. Having conservative parents in the house was a deterrent too. If earlier their home was full of noisy friends and colleagues it now house relatives who came to pay respects to the parents. Talking, sharing and laughing became rare in what had been a spontaneous and expressive relationship.

While Ajay felt this was only a temporary phase, Arti interpreted these as ominous signals of things going awry. She started seeing conversations and situations in a negative light. She brooded about having put on weight and Ajay not finding her attractive enough. His coming late from work, not keeping her informed about his movements or standing her up for a dinner or movie was misconstrued as his having an affair at work. His not giving her a patient hearing like he did in the initial years of marriage enraged her because she now felt that she was a convenient punching bag for everyone. Her in-law’s constant hints that their son deserved a better wife were bringing out the worst in her.

While earlier both of them could talk things over and ‘kiss and make up’ now because of lack of time the little talking they did only resulted in an exchange of accusations. One evening when Ajay returned home after a particularly trying day and found Arti sitting on the porch, hysterical, and his parents inside crouching as if they had been assaulted and imprisoned, desperate that he hear them out before "the wretch said anything", he could take it no more. He ordered all of them to leave and even told Arti she was free to leave him. Within minutes she packed an overnight bag and dashed off to the airport. She bought a ticket to Kolkata where her grandparents lived. For the next two days she could do nothing but cry.

They did eventually sort things out through the sensible intervention of Ajay’s senior colleague. Both Arti and Ajay had a romanticised notion of marriage. Each thought that since they had gone through so much for the other and distanced themselves from their parents, they deserved a better deal. This made them feel sorry for themselves. Instead of resolving problematic issues, they destroyed their compatibility. They should have realised that marriage was not just passion. It was learning to live together in harmony. This might sound too mundane and unexciting but this is what makes marriage a lifelong bond.