Sunday, July 13, 2003		Life Ties

Loving without wearing rose-tinted glasses
Taru Bahl

VEENA was the only child of doctor parents. They had taken a conscious decision to have just one child and give it their best. Hailing from a typical upper middle Punjabi family, they had been pressure to produce another child but they were happy with the joy of bringing up their little "devi".

With all the attention and planned upbringing, Veena grew up to be a model child. A topper in school, an avid debater, ace musician and a sensitive person, she embodied all the male and female, soft and hard, yin and yang qualities that made her so unique. She was assertive without being aggressive, imaginative without being bizarre, independent without being bohemian and articulate without being domineering or tactless. An ideal student, she went on to become the perfect companion to Subhash, her husband, who was an ace fighter pilot with the Indian Air Force. They had three children and together they made a perfect family.

They gave the children the best possible education. Veena’s husband, like a typical fauji, planned for every stage of his life, including the possibility of his dying in a flying accident. The drill was systematically worked out and together he and Veena discussed issues pertaining to where she should settle down, how she should divide the property between the children and create her own support system. With the kids in boarding school, they had the opportunity to spend time together and evolve as individuals and as a couple.

Having led a full life, which included travel, sports, an interest in the performing arts, leading a distinguished well- decorated life in the Armed Forces and settling their children in professions that best suited their natural proclivities, they had a feeling of immense contentment. It was time now to take it easy and let the children take over. Post retirement when they moved into their bungalow, the happiness of the entire family was greater because both the sons were posted in Delhi and had chosen to live with their wives in the parental home. The daughter was married and happily settled in Australia.

But their happiness was short lived. Subhash could not survive the first massive heart attack that hit him just before his 60th birthday. It was after his passing away that Veena realised just how meticulous, caring and farsighted her husband had been. He had factored in all her needs and made provisions for them. The detailing, documentation and filing of investments, family obligations and social commitments had been so systematically worked out that she could go through the balance of her years with eyes shut. She was clear about not making herself too dependent on her children. However, they had different plans.

When the elder son made a remark that they needed more space in the house, especially after the arrival of their second child, Veena did away with things that took up space. She also painstakingly transformed an old forgotten attic into a cheerful nursery. However, her son and daughter-in-law were not appreciative of her effort and creativity. Their response puzzled her. Later, she also sensed a certain coldness in their interaction with her. What had she had done that had put them off? Why were they suddenly so guarded in their behaviour? Why were they assessing her every move? When she did not find any answers to her questions, she decided to go on a pilgrimage with her old friends.

When she returned, she was aghast to find that her belongings had been shifted to the garage which had been converted into a room. Her own bedroom, or rather the master bedroom which she and Subhash had so lovingly planned, was now a state-of-the-art kiddies’ room. An interior designer’s help had obviously been enlisted for the room looked straight out of a design brochure. She was happy to see her children making such efforts for their child but there was a sense of hurt, too. She had not expected her children to be so uncaring, insensitive and materialistic. The day was not far when they would ask her to divide the property amongst them.

She spent the weekend thinking. After the initial round of tears had stopped, she requested one of her husband’s course mates to book her in the officer’s mess for a week. She then summoned her family lawyer and after two hectic days of brainstorming finalised a plan of action. She put her bungalow on sale. Once the house was sold, she made four shares of the sales proceeds and put them in fixed deposits for the grand children. With the rest of the money, she booked herself in the old age home which the Services ran in Delhi. Since she was physically fit and financially comfortable, she could continue with her travels and other pursuits. She knew she had not overreacted to her children’s behaviour. If she wanted to retain her position of strength without souring things permanently, it was important for her to act the way she did. She also knew Subhash would be happy with her clinical, non weepy and pragmatic decision. Undoubtedly, she had been an extremely generous mother and mother-in-law but her children had plotted her ouster from her own home. They had thought nothing of dislodging her and had disregarded her sentiments and stature as the immediacy of their need took precedence. She had to nip this process in the bud. Her conscience was clear, too, for loving also meant punishing children for their wrongs and making them realise they had been unreasonable and selfish.