Sunday, July 6, 2003		Life Ties

When order and method suffocate
Taru Bahl

GURPREET'S household functioned with clockwork precision. His mother had laid down the ground rules and everyone adhered to them without batting an eyelid. There were no arguments, alternatives or questions. The entire clan credited her with the status of the ideal homemaker. New entrants in the family emulated her example. Neighbours and friends vied with each other for an invite to one of her do’s to see how she managed to be perfect all the time. She was the epitome of style, grace and efficiency.

Her home was a testimonial to her exceptional housekeeping abilities. Orchids from the country’s best nursery adorned the crystal vases. Nothing less than Laura Ashley prints for her table and bed linen were acceptable and the meticulous detailing that went into maintaining, chronicling and cataloguing property-related documents, family photographs, music CDs, DVDs and VCDs required top-class managerial and administrative skills.

The family adapted to her concept of housekeeping and toed her line obediently. To an outsider the family presented a picture of good old-fashioned togetherness. At a time when dysfunctional homes and relationships were the norm this household seemed a welcome exception.

Over the years her fetish for order, discipline and perfection ended up robbing the family of spontaneity and of light-hearted moments of togetherness. Their sole objective was to not upset badi ma. They pushed their desires and aspirations into the background, trying always to live up to her standards of perfection. Having a mild husband and an even milder son made her the undisputed head of the household. She was a hard task-master and the household bent over backwards to please her.

When Rhea was chosen as Gurpreet’s wife there was no doubt she would echo her mother-in-law’s sentiments and complement her in every way. She was nineteen and barely out of school and this made it easy for her to be moulded to fit in with the expectations of her marital home. Her parents were relieved to see her settled into one of the oldest and most respected families of the region. Her disciplined upbringing made it possible for Rhea to go through the initial years of marriage toeing her mother-in-law’s line and trying to do things her way. If the desire to break free did seize her for a moment it was snuffed out the very next instant. Her education remained incomplete. With great reluctance she managed to do short courses that would look and sound good in the social circuit. Learning to make Tanjore paintings, getting involved in social causes and ladies’ club activities was the maximum she could do to grow and evolve as a person. The loss of her friends made the adjustment more painful. Her friends could not bear to meet her in her home. They shrank at the way in which she picked faults, snapped orders and insisted that the servants follow her instructions to the T. Worst of all, they felt sorry seeing Rhea reduced to an apologetic, nervous and eager-to-please daughter-in-law. Surely, there was more to life than maintaining a perfect household.

Rhea knew that she had allowed herself to be moulded according to the image people had of women of the Verma family. She was to be seen and not heard. There was no way she could live in a way which allowed her and Gurpreet to be more adventurous or spontaneous. When her twin daughters were born, she was happy and content with the situation. But there was pressure to try another time and by the time she could give birth to a son, after two miscarriages, her health had taken a beating. The only thing she now wanted was to ensure that her daughters had more freedom than she had had. She was determined to do this even if it meant becoming rebellious and defiant. Her daughters had to break free from the suffocating traditions of the family and not let the statement, "our daughters don’t do this" be the sole definition of their personalities. She decided to involve Gurpreet and her father-in-law in this mission, hoping that her mother-in-law too would see sense. But just in case things did not work out she was determined to fight for her daughters and ensure that they could live life on their own terms. Her life now acquired a new meaning, to ensure that the world her girls grew up in combined the best of the traditional and the modern.