Social monitor
Frowning fathers give way to doting dads
Komal V. Singh
FOOTBALL and fashion icon David Beckham and Pierce ‘James Bond’ Brosnan, both proud fathers, recently gave dads-to-be tips on how to bond with their children in a new magazine called Dads. Brosnan exhorted men to sing to their babies in the womb. Closer home, the first thing that Shahrukh Khan did after reaching Mumbai after a gruelling surgery was to attend a function at his son’s school.

I feel strongly about...
Being single, and loving it!
Preeti Singh
THE day the court dissolved my marriage and I became alone, it seemed that my world had caved in. I wept and raved over my fate but, like everything else in life, this emotional storm too passed away. I had no choice but to start living afresh — and sanely too.

Men in a woman’s world don’t have it easy either
V. Radhika
ONE hears of the struggle and work of women's activists. But what about the men in their lives? What is their role? Very often, the going for the husbands is not smooth either. For, not only do they have to battle their own prejudices but also the conservative attitudes prevalent in the hinterland of rural India.

Social monitor
Frowning fathers give way to doting dads
Komal V. Singh

A strong father-child bond benefits both

FOOTBALL and fashion icon David Beckham and Pierce ‘James Bond’ Brosnan, both proud fathers, recently gave dads-to-be tips on how to bond with their children in a new magazine called Dads. Brosnan exhorted men to sing to their babies in the womb. Closer home, the first thing that Shahrukh Khan did after reaching Mumbai after a gruelling surgery was to attend a function at his son’s school. Clapping and cheering, he was there for his child along with most other dads. Cricketer Ajay Jadeja proclaims to every journo who approaches him that spending time with his wife and son is his favourite activity. Recently, actor Akshay Kumar took one month’s paternity leave to be by his wife’s side, taking care of the new mom and forging a bond with the little one.

These are just a few examples of dedicated celebrity dads but look around you and you will find men taking to fatherhood with aplomb. Coping with diapers and daily baths, fatherhood is a definitely a role they enjoy. Not content with just being providers, they shower their kids with attention and devotion. Teaching them loads of things like a buddy before they step in to playschool, cheerfully helping them with homework, taking them for walks to the park, reading bedtime stories followed by generous goodnight kisses, talks about the birds and bees, are all part of their daily routine.

Marketing executive Amitabh Nanda, whose wife works at a call centre and keeps erratic hours, says, "As soon as I get home my kids assail me with their unbounded enthusiasm. Even though I am tired, I hold them close, listen to their chatter, take them out for a short trip to the market, read a storybook with them or put on their favourite movie. For a few hours before bedtime I put everything else on hold. "

My neighbour Natasha says when her baby wakes up in the middle of the night and she is reluctant to pick him up out of sheer tiredness it is her husband who promptly cradles the little one. Patiently, he coos to her, warms milk for her if she is hungry and then lulls her to sleep.

Not long ago, this would have been unthinkable. Before the advent of the era of proud ‘papahood’, a father held himself back from the plain, everyday affairs of home and hearth. He was usually a character with a monarch-like propensity whose word was law. He excelled in enforcing tight discipline and giving stern talks about proper behavior. With dad being King Kong it was left to the mother to be a tower of strength and refuge for her brood.

Happily, all this has now changed under the irrepressible tide of cultural forces. With participation rather than detachment being the trend, men are now realising that fatherhood can be fun as well as a serious responsibility.

Dr Ronald Levant, originator of the Fatherhood Project at Boston University, says there is a fatherhood revolution going on with men striving to find contentment as fathers. Not content with just being good providers, waving-at-a distance fathering has become a thing of the past. Unlike their own fathers, men these days want to be a part of their children’s lives. It is quite de rigeur for fathers to take time off from work for a parent-teacher meeting or take a day off to care for a sick child. With the stern papa making way for a wonderful, fun daddy, life with fathers can be a warm experience, overflowing with love.

Ruchika Dewan, a busy entrepreneur, gives full marks to her husband for being a doting dad. She says, "When my daughter just so much as lets out a sneeze my husband is sure to fetch cough syrup and make ginger tea for her. He is the one who ensures she has worn enough thick woollies during winter and keeps the pool filled for her during summer even if not a drop is left for washing utensils." With dad unabashedly wearing a paper hat at the kid’s birthday party and spending happy hours playing the clown, it is left to the mom to insist on good grades.

The last few years have brought about a stunning change in the family in the context of fathering, as reflected in the expectations from and behaviour of fathers. Research has proved this is the result of gender-specific family roles going for a full toss. With women donning the mantle of full-fledged professionals and rubbing shoulders with men on the work front, men perforce have had to spend more time with children besides lending a helping hand at home. This ‘new’ father is more involved in his children’s lives, especially during the early years. And it is the middle class which is championing this ‘new’ father the most.

Time and again you get to hear how nurturing a child changes a man for the better. A father becomes a nicer man, gentler, more patient, more responsible and more responsive. His drive at the workplace also registers an upswing because he wants his children to be proud of him.
A Time magazine article corroborated what we see all around us — that nurturing benefits fathers too, as much as it obviously is a big boost for children. It says, "As much as families need fathers, men need their children. To learn from them all the secrets that children, with their untidy minds and unflagging hearts, have mastered and that grown ups, having grown up, long to retrieve."

One does not need research to prove that children of loving and involved fathers have a better shot at life. New-age dads realise their children need them to survive and thrive. They carve out time to enter their world and walk their turf.
Parental warmth in early childhood has a direct bearing on the social development of the young ones. Fathers have as much role as mothers to play in the kids’ development. Besides, they are just as capable as their wives of caring for their children. Fathers who are affectionate and liberal with hugs and cuddles arm children with a lifetime insurance of being socially well equipped. Such children invariably grow up to be good workers, good friends and good spouses. Experiencing a strong sense of bonding with daddy, besides mommy, leads to the development of a sense of security that helps them be socially engaging. They learn to be resilient and patient, finding it easier to deal with the disappointments that come their way.

Society today has given a clarion call for emotionally attuned fathers who are there, building a lifetime bond of special moments and memories with their children.

The day has dawned when masculinity is connected to fatherhood. Becoming a father enhances a man. It takes a man to be a dad, after all. There is a certain macho appeal to being a doting dad. And the world just loves to smile at such men.

I feel strongly about...
Being single, and loving it!
Preeti Singh

Being alone need not mean being lonely

THE day the court dissolved my marriage and I became alone, it seemed that my world had caved in. I wept and raved over my fate but, like everything else in life, this emotional storm too passed away. I had no choice but to start living afresh — and sanely too.

Later, when I reflected over my situation and circumstances, I found that although I was certainly feeling lonely and desolate yet I wasn’t terribly unhappy. As days passed I began to see things clearly and saw more possibilities of living a fruitful life than I could have ever done when I was trapped in marriage.

Unlimited possibilities seemed to be there for the asking if I could only reach out to them. For instance, I could totally focus on my career now, take concrete steps to advance my education, travel wherever and whenever I wanted. I could devote my free time and energy into nourishing old friendships as well as cultivating new ones.

Radha came into my life just then. She was working in a bank and, like me, was living alone. She said, "I have never sought sympathy from anyone on how lonely I felt when I got divorced," she said. "This is because it would have only driven people away. Also, how on earth could narrating my distressing tale to someone have helped me at all?" I took the hint.

As I focused on my career, I found that being single doesn’t mean being forlorn or helpless. I could attain inner peace and calm by getting totally involved in activities that were satisfying. By connecting with life and people I was able to live every minute of my existence. In due course I learnt to love living in my home instead of being merely in it.

Financially I became secure by continually educating myself about my job and excelling at it. By investing my savings wisely I began to get better returns from them. Gradually I became integrated into the community I was living in by involving myself in its activities. I began to relish each day by dressing well and remaining cheerful.

To be single and yet keep on hoping that someone would come along and ‘save’ me, now seemed absurd and unhealthy. Instead, I decided to stand on my own feet and face whatever problems or difficulties came along;

As time passed, I learnt that being single could be blissful provided I was open to trying new ideas or things. So, I connected with a friendly family and became a gregarious participant in its functions and parties without impinging on its freedom without letting it interfere with mine..

Since I had all the time and energy to make new friends of both the sexes, I went ahead in cultivating them. To every new friend, I made it a point to tell the limits within which I wanted the friendship to develop "Take it or leave it", I would say. Consequently, I have been able to retain all new and old friends to date.

What I love most about my single status is that I wouldn’t like to exchange it with the getting-married-and-living-happily-thereafter situation. My life is exciting, spontaneous and growing in a way where I can be original to the extent I feel like. In this, sky is the limit for me.

I rejoice in the freedom and the confidence of deciding how I am going to spend my free time each day or on each weekend that is replete with fun that is fulfilling and healthy.

I feel strongly that being single is far better for me than being unhappily married. With the stigma attached to staying single or getting divorced disappearing. I am now thinking of adopting and bringing up a child as I enter my late 40s. When I told my best friend about this, she blurted out: "That is really a great thing to do."

One may not be the biological mother of a child one brings up, but one can nonetheless rear a child with warmth and love. It fulfils and provides an outlet to one’s maternal instincts and helps a motherless or destitute child grow in a place called home.

Over the years a single woman no longer remains alone. She gradually gathers a family of admirers and friends around her. Due to her independent nature, financial freedom and creative living, she gradually becomes a beacon of hope to other women who happen to find themselves single after a painful marriage and divorce.

Men in a woman’s world don’t have it easy either
V. Radhika

ONE hears of the struggle and work of women's activists. But what about the men in their lives? What is their role? Very often, the going for the husbands is not smooth either. For, not only do they have to battle their own prejudices but also the conservative attitudes prevalent in the hinterland of rural India.

This is what Raghunath Takwale and Subhash Jagtap, both married to women associated with non-government organisations (NGOs), have to say: "It is difficult to swim against the tide. One has to put up with snide remarks and comments. In fact it is taken as an affront to one's masculinity to let one's wife step out into the public space."

When these women take on powerful vested interests in the community, the going only gets tougher. Be it a corrupt sarpanch (elected head of local body), a moneylender or owner of a fair price shop indulging in malpractices, the first salvo men tend to launch against these women is insinuations about their character or comments that their husbands are "weaklings" who cannot "control their women". These and other 'men's issues' came up at a recent programme organised under the aegis of Swayamsiddha, (a project of women's empowerment by BAIF Development Research Foundation). Discussions were also held on the process by which women's activists (most of whom had never entered public spaces alone) not only did community work, but also came to occupy centrestage.

The participants were drawn from the organisations associated with the project in Maharashtra, while the audience comprised of Swayamsiddha project members from other states such as Uttar Pradesh, Gujarat and Karnataka. "The idea," said Seematinee Khot, co-ordinator of Swayamsiddha, "was to forge an interaction between different field activists so that mutual learning takes place."

For many women who are associated with NGOs working on public health issues, attending outstation training programmes made things more difficult. Digamber Salve recalled how other men would constantly ask him how he had allowed his wife to go out of the village and interact with other men - "The insinuation was that she would have (extra-marital) relationships."

In Subhash Jagtap's case, it was his own brother who was the first to voice objections. He advised Subhash to "Chain her feet or she will just go out of control." When Subhash stood by his wife and she started taking up community development issues, the opposition became more vocal and strident. Against this backdrop, it comes as little surprise then that the very husbands who now stand by their wives were reluctant initially.

In fact, both Raghunath Takwale (a farmer) and Subhash Jagtap (a state government employee) were against their wives going out to work. Nirmala Jagtap said that her otherwise soft-spoken husband came down vehemently on her desire to work with the Foundation for Research in Community Health. "The organisation held a meeting in the village and when they asked if anyone was interested in working with them I said 'yes' without asking my husband. When I told him later, he was upset. He asked, 'Who will do the housework and look after the children?' I said I would manage and I went ahead even though I knew he was not happy." So what brought about a change in her husband's attitude? According to Subhash, after Nirmala attended a few training programmes on health, he noticed that the general hygiene and sanitation at home improved. "The children were not falling ill as frequently as they used to earlier. And I realised that we were also able to save money."

Takwale's first reaction, when his wife, Baby, wanted to work, was also typical: 'Who will work in the field and take care of the house?' His concern at that time, he said, was mainly economic. "If she was not working on the land, I would have to hire an extra hand and pay Rs 20 a day. And I did not even know the organisation, its work, and the people working in it." However, he too changed his mind when the atmosphere at home changed rapidly for better. Quips Baby, "In fact, what made him really happy with my membership of the women's group was that they (women) would help me in the field whenever there was a crisis."

Though a majority of the women have to fight their way through, there are also women like Susheela Hukire, Vimala Sable, Shakuntala Salve and Surekha Lande who have had their husbands’ unstinting support. Both Hukire and Sable were encouraged by their husbands to join Hallo Medical Foundation when it started working in their area.

In Shakuntala Salve's case it was her husband, Digamber Salve, who propelled her to move out of the confines of home. "I was very sceptical of the women's credit and savings society in our village and wanted to have nothing to do with it. I went at the insistence of my husband and have not looked back since," she said. Shakuntala now runs a small industrial unit which makes spices and herbal products.

Surekha Lande was supported not only by her husband but her mother-in-law as well. "It is a great help when you get your family's support because then you can channel all your energies in your work," observes Hukire.

Even for women who have their husbands' support, the path is not always smooth. Because it wasn't just the work sphere that called for a change; the process brought about changes in attitudes too—whether it was the refusal of the women to adhere to segregation during menstruation, or their demand that men should help with household chores or the decision to stop observing a series of fasts throughout the year. All the men admitted that it took them quite some time to accept the rational arguments put forth by their wives against meaningless rituals.

"There are times when there is silent resentment, but we have learned to deal with it," said a woman participant. The other women nodded in agreement and the men looked a trifle uncomfortable. The one of the husbands spoke up: "Yes, I agree that in spite of supporting our wives we do express resentment at times, especially when they get too busy outside. But then, it is tough for us, too. And we are trying to change."

"Our aim," Khot says, "was to see how far we (organisations) are in tune with community aspirations. We also wanted to bring forth the role of leaders. All the participants were also connected to us in some way so we wanted this exposure for them too. Their experiences were not just enlightening; they learned from each other. We had asked organisations to send two couples each—one where the husband is considered supportive, and another where he is not - so that they would take the message back to the men in their community. Influencing men was also one of the objectives." WFS