Flirting, the all-time hot favourite fun game
Raman Mohan

EVEN though flirting has now come to be accepted as normal behaviour, not many of us realise that flirting is a basic human instinct. If we did not flirt or express interest in the opposite sex, there would be no reproduction, and the human species would become extinct. It is an essential ritual of the mate- selection process.

Flirting, in fact, is as old as sexuality itself. And like sexuality, it has only recently come out of the closet in our country. If earlier, it manifested itself in blushing faces, coy and shy mannerisms, it is much subtler and open now. However, flirting continues to be a difficult game because as they say "men are from Mars, women from Venus". Research in the West has shown that men have a definite tendency to mistake friendly behaviour for sexual flirting. One particular study noted that this is not "because they are stupid or deluded, but because they tend to see the world in more sexual terms than women. There is also evidence to suggest that women are naturally more socially skilled than men, better at interpreting people’s behaviour and responding appropriately." It claimed, "Women have a special ‘diplomacy gene’ which men lack." Therefore, flirting like any other human social behaviour too is governed by etiquette which tells us where, when, with whom and in what manner we flirt. Any breach of these unwritten rules can be very embarrassing. Flirting with the wrong person or at an inappropriate time or perhaps at a wrong place is bound to incur disapproval and even outright anger.

There are two aspects of flirting — flirting for fun and flirting with intent. Social scientists say up to a certain level you can flirt with more or less anyone. An admiring glance or light-hearted teasing is harmless fun and only a killjoy would object to it. But flirting with intent is altogether different. This form of flirting is part of the mate-selection process which necessitates greater caution.

A study by the Social Issues Research Centre in the UK has concluded that there are two basic rules about who to flirt with that will increase your chances of success and reduce the likelihood of embarrassing rejections. The first is to initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself. Flirting with people with the same level of attractiveness as yourself gives you a better chance of compatibility. It says: "Most successful marriages and long-term relationships are between partners of more or less equal good looks. There is some leeway, of course, and other qualities are also important, but statistically, relationships where one partner is much more attractive than the other tend to be less successful. Studies have shown that the more evenly matched partners are in their attractiveness, the more likely they are to stay together."

Rules of play

Focus outward. Keep your attention outside yourself, toward a particular flirting target or toward the general social environment. You can’t flirt while you’re self-absorbed. Signal interest. If you already know your target, communicate through your attitude that you are genuinely glad to see him or her. If you aren’t acquainted, use a lingering glance or slight smile. Straighten up. Good posture, with shoulders relaxed, triggers subconscious arousal responses in both you and your target. Touch. If you are a woman, touch your flirting target on the arm, hand or shoulder. If you are a man, touch your flirting target on the back or shoulders when you hold out a chair or open the door. Use your eyes. Whether in conversation or across the room, look at your target’s eyes a little longer than necessary, and keep a small smile on your own face while you do that. But winking is out. Compliment. To flirtatiously compliment a man, mention something he does well. To flirtatiously compliment a woman, mention something about her knowledge, understanding, expressiveness, or appearance. Use body language. Face your target, keep your arms uncrossed, and lean forward slightly. Be subtle. Keep your seductiveness subtle. Sexy is not the same as flirtatious, and an overly seductive manner or dress kills flirting. Learn to dance. At least, move to music in private. All great flirts have music in their being. Smile. Smile when you don’t know what to say, and smile to show you’re impressed with your target. It’s still the most potent flirting tool. (Source: www.flirt.com)

A word of caution for women: studies show that women often underestimate their attractiveness. So, you better try flirting with some better-looking men. As for men, if you do not consider yourself good-looking, remember that the SIRC study showed that "most men lack expertise in the subtleties of social interaction, so polishing up your flirting skills could give you the edge over a more attractive rival."

The second rule, according to this study, is: don’t flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest. A look at the matrimonial advertisements shows what men and women want from their mates. Generally, men seek women who are younger than them and lay greater emphasis on physical appearance, while women are more likely to favour older males with higher status and earning potential. So follow these thumb rules.

It has been scientifically established that at least in the initial stages of flirting, non-verbal communication i.e. body language is much more important than what you actually say. This means even an innocuous hello can mean different things depending upon how you say it. Our gestures, tone, postures and expressions while saying hello determine how it is interpreted. Among the non-verbal elements of flirting, eye contact is the most powerful tool. This is regarded as the most communicative of all body-language signs. That is exactly why it is used with extreme caution and glances usually do not spread over more than a second. A direct eye contact with an attractive person in a crowd is highly effective. If you succeed in initiating a conversation with that person, remember what experts say: make it a point to glance at the other person’s face more when you are listening, glance away more when you are speaking and make brief eye contact to initiate turn-taking.

The SIRC study says, "The most common mistake people make when flirting is to overdo the eye contact in a premature attempt to increase intimacy. This only makes the other person feel uncomfortable, and may send misleading signals. Next is the physical distance between you and the target as that determines the quality of your interaction. You must not be too close or too far apart. This is what behaviourists say about it: At 4 ft (about two steps away), you are on the borderline between what is known as the ‘social zone’ (4 to 12 ft) and the ‘personal zone’ (18in to 4ft). If you receive a positive response at 4ft, move in to ‘arm’s length’ (about 2ft 6in). Any closer than that will take you to the ‘intimate zone’ (less than 18in), which is reserved for lovers, family and very close friends.

Postures also reveal your mind. Experiments show that females are more likely to tilt their heads to one side when they are interested in the person they are talking to. Mirror image postures i.e. one partner assuming the same posture as the other is technically called ‘postural congruence’ or ‘postural echo’. This is a sure indication of mutual interest.

Touching is an integral part of flirting, but women are not comfortable about being touched by a strange male. So men need to avoid any touching which may seem threatening or over-familiar. Women should be equally careful. Don’t give misleading signals with over-familiar touching as men are inclined to see these as sexual invitations. The arm is considered the safest place to touch.

The SIRC study observed, "In an analysis of 600 verbatim compliments, linguists found that they tend to follow a tried-and-tested formula, with the word "nice" occurring in nearly 25 per cent of the compliments studied, and the word "you" in almost 75 per cent. In other words, you should not be afraid of paying simple compliments such as "That’s a nice jacket" or "That colour really suits you", as they can be very effective. Lastly, remember, flirting has evolved over thousands of years of human existence and while men are believed to be from Mars and women from Venus, they have always found ways to flirt. So you need not despair, you will find your way too!