Sunday, June 15, 2003		Life Ties

Exorcising the past
Taru Bahl

BOTH Karan and Sonia had gone through bad marriages. But under family pressure they decided to marry again. In their mind, however, they were aware that they making a compromise that would give them social and financial security.

Karan had two children from his first marriage. Close friends advised Sonia to start on a strong wicket by strongly demarcating boundaries on issues like property, rights and children. She was told how a second mother was usually victimised by the in-laws and how children had negative thoughts about a stepmother. Plagued by doubt and uncertainty, Sonia began her marital life with conflicting thoughts. She constantly came up with different strategies to consolidate her position and saw discrimination where was none.

However, Sonia and Karan developed a comfortable companionship and found common interests. Karan's mother lived with them and had, in her own way, taken charge of the children leaving the young couple to chart their own course in life. The task was made easier as they belonged to a wealthy landed family and had the advantage of a large extended family. So long as Sonia performed a peripheral role and maintained cordiality with the children it was alright. Karan, on the other hand, being the father, involved himself in their upbringing and day- to- day routine.

Problems began when Sonia had children of her own. The desire to quickly start a family was, perhaps, at the instigation of her family which felt that it would wean Karan away from his children. Unwittingly, Sonia got drawn into a vicious cycle where constant comparisons were drawn between the two sets of children. Karan was sandwiched as he had to battle with her volley of never-ending accusations. The children, on their part, learnt to manipulate his guilt feelings by demanding their pound of flesh. The manipulations were at both ends but the children managed to gain maximum sympathy from him. Comments like "poor babies" made him give in to their demands leaving Sonia seething with impotent rage.

There was some relief when the children went to a boarding school. They were bright and, apart from excelling in academics, were street-smart too. Their survival instincts were sharp for they knew they had to ultimately fend for themselves, though they could bank upon was their father's influence, wealth and paternal responsibility. In other words, they did not want to share their father's home; only the benefits that were legally accruable to them.

Meanwhile, Sonia's children were growing up fine. They were normal kids who got the best from both their parents, though there were times when they wondered why their elder siblings were so cold and why on their annual visits the undercurrents in the family were so palpable. Sonia resented the first set of children having had the good fortune of enjoying their father's energetic youth while her children had to make do with an older gentleman. What she did not realise was that most of her these apprehensions were in the mind. The children were comfortable and loved and accepted their parents as they were. But Sonia continued to harbour feelings which made her feel sorry for her children and herself. She was convinced that they were marginalised.

With advancing years, the fear that gripped her was that God forbid if something was to happen to Karan, she and her kids would be dumped. She consulted chartered accountants and legal experts to understand how she could secure her children's rights. Karan empathised with her insecurities and tried his best to reassure her but he too knew that beyond a point she was beyond getting convinced. Her fears fed on themselves and multiplied manifold making any sort of logical discussion impossible. He knew he was not going to wrong any of his four children and that he would act by his own barometer of justice and unconditional love. He fervently wished she would get over her paranoia because this was the only grey area in their marital life.

What he did not anticipate was the extent to which the rift between the older children and Sonia would widen making their once a year trips a disaster for everyone. Unwittingly, he began to do things without telling her. The idea was not to be deceitful but to avoid ugly situations at home. The kids too responded by talking to him in the office or at a time when they were sure she would not be around. They worked out ways by which he could transfer money to them or bail them out of trouble.

Unfortunately, Sonia could never fully comprehend that both sets of children were his. At least she and the younger kids had the advantage of having him as a full-time, even if aging, dad. They also enjoyed the perks that came with his present seniority and things couldn't have been better financially, socially and physically. Also, Karan had been transparent while drawing up his Will. When the elder kids announced that they would never like to settle down in India, she finally felt that the demons from her husband's first marriage had been exorcised. She now readied herself for the future where she knew she had to be the perfect soul mate, especially since there was a 12 year age gap between them. She began to look forward to it. He had been a perfect husband, it was now her turn to be a good wife. She realised that it was Karan's capacity to love without cracking up and his ability to display grace when under pressure that made him the gem he was.