No compulsion

THE boss joined a group of his workers at the office canteen and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humour?"

"My sense of humour is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

A new country gentleman

An urbanite retired and moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat and made every effort to become a country gentleman.One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing him around the farm, they came to the gentleman's pride and joy...a fine-looking horse. "Yes sir," said the gentleman, "I go for a buggy ride almost every morning. How about a hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?"

"Suits me," answers the friend.

The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth, the guest said, "Why don't you wait until he yawns?"

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police officer handed him a receipt for his speeding traffic fine.

"Keep it," the officer advised. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle."

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room without any clothes and began to tiptoe slowly around the table. At first the parents were so astonished and embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening. The conversation kept going, and the guests cooperated in the charade, also pretending that nothing unusual was happening. After completely circling the table, the children tiptoed out of the room. There was a moment of silence at the table as everyone exhaled, and stifled their giggles. Then they overheard one of the children saying to the other, "You see, Mommy was right. It is vanishing cream!"

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

Learning the hard way

A kindergarten student was sitting at his desk making funny faces at anyone that would watch.

The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly, "Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick that way."

Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you learned the hard way."

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)