Sunday, May 11, 2003		Life Ties

When a mother plays favourites
Taru Bahl

ARUN'S greatest regret in life was having been born a son. He was convinced that had he been a girl, his mother would have loved him more. Even as a child he remembered his mother, Beena, siding with his elder sister Shruti. He had heard that a male child was sought after, especially in a typical North Indian household, but in this case it didn't seem so. He was often left to fend for himself while all the fuss would be reserved for the daughter. Frilly frocks, colourful clips, beaded jewellery and soft cuddly toys would spill over from her cupboard while his meek requests for a battery-operated car or cricket set would be indefinitely postponed.

Soon, he realised that there was indeed a difference between him and his sister. He stopped expecting his mother to express her love in more tangible forms. Perhaps, he was an adopted child or there was something intrinsically wrong with him. Arun had a bonding with his father but the senior gentleman was hardly around, working double shifts, travelling and trying hard to meet the family's mounting expenses, especially the mother-daughter duo's. He was oblivious of the discrimination at home and the impact that it would have on the young boy's life in his later years.

There were times when both brother and sister would have a fight, like any normal siblings and the mother, without listening to both sides of the story, would give Arun a sound thrashing and fuss over daughter. She almost made it appear that while Arun was the devil incarnate Shruti was innocence personified. As a result of this distortion, Shruti's cry-baby instincts became second nature. She would whine and throw tantrums to get what she wanted. Her unreasonable behaviour went unchecked resulting in her turning into a selfish, ill-adjusted young adult.

Arun started staying out of the house for as long as he could, brooding over his neglected status. His father's sudden death after a massive heart attack is what sent the family boat rocking. Arun had to take charge while he was still in college. His sister had discontinued studies and whiled away time doing odd courses on interiors and fashion design, as she readied herself to get married. Arun busied himself in meeting the family's commitments in this hour of crisis.

Arun was an effective salesperson. In spite of not having a formal degree, he took up odd assignments (based on commissions) on the side as he completed his education. After college he got into trading and managed to set up a comfortable business by building up a network along the way. The only thing that hampered negotiating or partnering any project was his volatile temper. Untutored in social graces and emotionally deficient, within him there was a seething volcanic anger. Whenever it exploded, which it did, on provocation, left him feeling extremely miserable. He did not want to deliberately hurt people, which is why he would feel repentant as soon as there was an outburst. But instead of placating the person across, over a period of time he earned for himself the reputation of being an unpredictable, easily- angered person who people became generally wary of. People learnt to manipulate his emotions and use him to further their ends. At the end of the day, he did not have any real friends who could stand by him in his hour of need. It took him a long time to discover this painful reality.

Meanwhile, he managed to get his sister married after a prolonged search for the bridegroom. Within the first year, she found her marriage intolerable. Her daily calls to mother became the bane of Arun's existence. He tried explaining to Beena that she should let the girl settle down in her marital home and not be a sounding board for every little misdemeanour. He was not too shocked to soon find his sister home, bag and baggage, shedding crocodile tears at how much she had been tortured and how she could not bear to live there anymore.

A messy divorce followed.

Arun's steady girlfriend wanted him to commit himself to marriage. He was skeptical on two counts, for one his sense of duty forbade him from thinking about himself before re-settling his sister. He was aware of the fact that any sane girl would not be able to adjust in his household where she would have to contend with two strong and difficult women. His girl friend moved on and he busied himself in expanding his business. At his mother's insistence, Shruti got involved in his work but her presence only complicated his customer interaction. Arun tolerated it as a temporary occupational hazard. A fresh search for a husband was launched and this time it was an NRI who fitted the bill. Thankfully, Shruti moved to Canada and seemed reasonably happy in her new home, except for the fact that her demands for cash were in direct proportion to her marital happiness.

This left Arun and Beena together in a home that was palatial. Both had their own lifestyles which did not impinge on the other's. But somewhere since the relationship was not cemented with love, the bitterness would surface occasionally. Beena would dutifully report every single thing that was happening to Shruti via the phone or Internet. It was surprising that this constant intrusion had not upset the son-in-law. Arun continued to feel marginalised only his adult maturity did not allow him to acknowledge it openly. Concerned friends and relatives suggested marriage but he was not too sure if he could handle the tensions that would arise by putting anybody in close proximity with his mother. Also somewhere Beena was happy with the way things were. She knew exactly how to play on her son's emotional weaknesses. He had a strong sense of duty towards both his sister and mother and would rarely like to deviate from the path that he perceived as being correct. A close family friend had suggested that he buy another house for his mother so that he could independently settle down without any interference but he would hear none of it. When Shruti delivered a male child Beena's happiness knew no bounds. Her desire to become a grandmother was satiated. The high point of her existence was to spend four months in a year with her daughter and her entire life revolved around making preparations for it. The merciless hands of the clock continued to tick.

Arun in his middle years was left with a huge vacuum which to some extent was filled by his tilt towards spirituality. He did want to get married and have his own family but somewhere had lost the confidence of carrying it through. Perhaps he was still seeking the answer to the question, "What have I done for mother to be so oblivious of my happiness. Am I really so different from Shruti?"