Plans

AFTER retirement a husband was talking to his wife about all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" he asked. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then the wife asked him, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

An Iraqi general called in all of Saddam's body doubles. He said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive and you've all still got a job. The bad news is he's lost his left arm and leg."

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said, "you must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, stupid."

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach when she finds a magic lamp on the shore. She rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

The genie notices her anger and as a consolation gives her three wishes. But he cautions that he will give her former husband 10 times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and reminds her that her husband got 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion. In an instant it was granted, but the genie reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. She grins ecstatically. "For my last wish, I'd like to give birth to twins."

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)