Monday, April 7, 2003		Cyber Humour

Fixing broken computers
From Sunil Sharma

AN office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About 15 minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Spinoffs

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognise them:

• The "I Love You but I’m Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

• The "Love the One You’re With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

• The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

• `B7The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

• The "I Want a Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn’t working and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session.

• The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer; collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions.

• The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

• The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database and then refuses to help update it as it grows.