Modern living makes
marriages more prone to stress. One of the main difficulties that
couples face is that of expectations. Each person in the relationship
has expectations — explicit expectations, implicit expectations and
unrealistic expectations. When these expectations come in conflict with
the other person’s expectations and with the realities of life, it
leads to stress. During the course of the relationship, each partner may
have varied experiences such as the death of a parent, the loss of a job
or physical illness. The couple may go through relocation, birth of a
child or change of a job. All these events have an impact on the
relationship and produce stress.
Wives of professionals
may also have to deal with the possibility of their husbands having
affairs, particularly during trips abroad. How they handle their fears
and stress varies and may depend on their faith in their partners.
Modern husbands who
believe that marriages are equal partnerships, feel shocked and betrayed
when their wives respond to their emotional despondency not with
sympathetic encouragement but with stinging insults. Many marriages
break up because wives can’t tolerate failure in their husbands. In
such a situation, wives may resort to taunting their husbands with
exhortations like, "Why can’t you be a man?"
There are four sources
of couple stress: family, marriage, work and negative thinking and
attitude. Family is a complex network of interactions. Each family is a
system and hence each interaction and each personality affects the
system.
Psychologists and
sociologists studying marital stress have tried to identify factors
which could lead to greater marital satisfaction. The higher the stress,
the more vulnerable the couple is to psychological and emotional
problems. Stress encourages the fault-finding tendency in couples.
Stress influences interaction only when it is inadequately managed.
Satisfied couples try to manage stress jointly. They also offer more
emotional assistance to each other and react positively to signals of
stress from their partners.
Marital stress can be
reduced in several ways. These include the following:
*Plan ahead. Set
measurable goals as a couple for, say, a year or five years from now.
*Clearly communicate
realistic expectations.
*Use ‘I’ statements
more often than ‘you’ statements.
*Be flexible in your
roles and attitudes. Let your partner do the things you usually do and
relax your high standards. This can reduce pressure.
*Negotiate. When
problems arise, schedule time for the two of you to tackle them. Weigh
the costs and benefits of each solution. Arrive at a solution that is
acceptable to both of you.
*Take a moment to
inquire how your spouse is feeling. Look for and reflect early
indications of stress — a furrowed brow, a tenser voice.
*To keep your marriage
alive, take a break from work and children. If it helps, make it a rule
to only talk about you as a couple. Get in touch with each other. Hold
hands, hug each other, show affection. Physical contact helps relieve
stress.
*Laugh at yourself.
Remember, always being serious is crazy. Celebrate anniversaries and
birthdays. Take time to relax together.
*Listen to your
partner, control your own stress, get a clinical evaluation of the
stress situation and make an effort to find solutions together.
*Do things together to
strengthen the marital bond. Sometimes, one is unaware of the importance
of communication. Effective communication means understanding each other’s
intentions and reactions. Learn to dream together.
*Adopt a low-stress
lifestyle. The first key principle of leading a low-stress lifestyle is
balance — a proper balance between work and play, stress and
relaxation, working hard and taking it easy, companionship and solitude,
discipline and self-indulgence. The second key principle is learning to
take things in one’s stride, observing what is happening and reacting
maturely. One should not get provoked easily, and should be able to
relax physically and unwind easily. A low-stress lifestyle needn’t be
boring. Boredom actually induces anxiety in an individual when it is
prolonged.
One’s lifestyle is a
matter of choice and although quite a few people would like to believe
that their lives are being controlled by external forces, the key to
adopting a low-stress lifestyle is accepting responsibility for one’s
life.
In the ultimate analysis, a happy
marriage brings stability into one’s life and is also an effective
stressbuster.
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