Uneducated robber

Once some robbers broke into a bank. One of them pointing the gun at the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say ‘history’."

The robber answered, "Don't change the subject."

"So tell me, Mrs Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of an old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a sheer cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.

Full of fear, he cried out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? "

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who said that?"

"It's the Lord."

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."

"Help me!"

"Just let go."

Looking around, the man became full of panic. "What?"

"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" asked the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enrol your kids in a good school and it's as safe as any other place in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)