Sunday, February 9, 2003		Life Ties

Nurturing long-term associations
Taru Bahl

KARAN’s greatest quality was his ability to connect with people effortlessly. He did not attempt to cultivate them. His body language was neither offensive nor intrusive. He took genuine interest in the person across and had no ulterior motive. They responded warmly to him, often seeking him out enthusiastically. He was what most people called "a cool guy". Since he did not have any agenda other than being friendly, he was not possessive about his friends and acquaintances. Unlike others, he was not threatened by the possibility of one friend "stealing" another. He unhesitatingly got his different friends to meet and get to know each other better. There were times when A got a job through B or when X enjoyed the hospitality of Y in a strange and alien country thanks to Karan’s intervention. He put people together and was happy if they took the cursory introduction to another more meaningful level. Nowhere did his ego or pride get hurt if they ended up getting closer or their association yielding "more tangible profits". He was above these petty considerations. As a result his friendships thrived at different levels and had every chance of lasting a lifetime.

He could never understand how people who claimed to be "best friends" could be vengeful or insulting when things went sour. Or how the same set of people who were on such back slapping terms, spending hours together and flaunting their intimacy do a complete 360 degree turnaround when they fell apart, which too was soon enough. Whether it was back biting or thwarting other’s efforts they stopped at nothing to let their disgust become public. Wagging tongues, nagging conscience and the weight of accepted favours were not reasons enough to make them behave.

Karan’s friendships were not tinged with exciting highs where he could host parties and go for unending joyrides but at the same time they did not hit rock bottom either. They meandered along, cruising at a steady pace, giving comfort and cheer without threatening to blow over. His friendships were solid, dependable and constantly growing, evolving, ripening. Outwardly he stood out in a crowd. Not because he was strikingly handsome or arresting in behaviour, mannerism or look. It was his simplicity which made him different. He did not chase labels or endorse a lifestyle which he did not believe in. He was just himself. Inspite of being 5 feet 6 inches short, he stood tall. His greying hair and receding hooairline made him look distinguished. His old woolen trousers which he had worn since college days still hung smartly on his well maintained waistline.

There were times when his family would comment on how he helped others but never his own self. He rarely asked for a favour to further his own personal or professional interests. It wasn’t as if he was morally rigid on not ‘using’ friends but he actually didn’t feel the need. He was happy and content with the way his life was shaping up. He had no major aspirations and certainly not those which hinged on what others could do for him. Without spelling it out to people, they knew and respected his innate sense of dignity and had prepared themselves that if there ever arose an opportunity when they could do something for him, they would unhesitatingly step in and help him out. That was the kind of commitment he silently evoked in his close relationships.

One reason for this uniqueness was the fact that Karan was self contained as a person. He needed no props or appendages to define his existence. When in school at an impressionable age, he did not hang out with the gang just to be part of a socially acceptable trend. He was comfortable with the way he was and he interacted with others accordingly. He was neither too friendly nor too snooty. He was just himself. Since he did not demean his associations by converting them into tools which could yield benefits, favours or results his friends were under no pressure to perform or score brownie points. They found it easy to talk to him, unburden their most troublesome anxieties and share their darkest fears. They knew he would not betray their weaknesses and confidences. He would empathetically listen and without mincing words give his unbiased, non judgmental decision. He was never scared to speak out his mind and he rarely spoke out of turn. They valued his discretion, wisdom and sensibility. In some ways he was ahead of them for he had cultivated a third dimension to his persona, one which turned more beautiful and spiritual with time and age.

He was instrumental in reviving the old boys association at his alma mater. He updated school records, got in touch with forgotten friends over the Internet and activated the tradition of having a yearly school reunion. This had unfortunately bitten the dust because of shortage of funds and effort. He took it upon himself to get it going and the response was stupendous. Money flowed in and many old boys volunteered help. Again, while for most it was yet another networking opportunity, for Karan it was a satisfying experience just seeing how well some of his batch mates were doing and how nice it felt to be together again after nearly two decades, reliving some of the past moments. For Karan, everything had a use. Old ties, old associations, old clothes, old books, old teachers, old homes, old gadgets – he found use for them by recycling, reusing, remoulding them in hundreds of different innovative ways. The beauty was that whatever ideas he had, he unfailingly found takers and his projects always saw fruitful culmination. When he heard of an old teacher languishing in his village, sick and uncared for, deserted by his son he took the help of some of his ex-classmates and arranged for funds and got him transported to one of Delhi’s well equipped old age homes. Between them they decided to look him up every Saturday. The teacher got a new lease of life. Karan also helped set up a trust in his school which could finance scholarships for needy students. Without wanting any credit he would align himself with many such new ideas and the moment they reached fruition he would be on to something else. Without realising he had left a trail of immense goodwill behind him. He had obliged many people, having done so many odd things for them, changing their lives in some cases too.

When his wife was battling with cancer and his government salary and entitlements were not enough to take care of the expenses, miraculously help arrived. He did not have to seek it out. Things just happened and fell in place. Money, medical opinion, travel expenses to the USA, stay arrangements and consistent stream of prayers helped her battle the debilitating disease. When his son was given a golden handshake when his company downsized within days he had the choice of half a dozen jobs. When his daughter was seeking admission in a law college and found herself falling short by a small margin, friends swung into action, giving advice and helping her make it in another subsequent attempt. They strengthened Karan’s efforts and helped her adjust in a far away city by creating a home away from home for her.

In the ultimate analysis Karan felt blessed. He had never chased people for what they could give him but none of his efforts had gone waste. He had very spontaneously nurtured deep bonds with people, touching the lives of all those he came in contact with and not one of them had let him down. He had got much more than what he had given. He may not have been extremely successful or rich or influential by the standards which society had set but he had in his own mind, achieved more than he could ever have dreamt of.