Sunday, January 19, 2003		Life Ties

Stretching his comfort zone
Taru Bahl

BEING the eldest child in a middle-class household had shaped Parth's personality. He and his younger brother were poles apart when it came to their thinking and way of implementing the small and big things in life. Parth was steady and cautious. He liked to tread safe terrain and at best take calculated risks. He was conscious of the role he had to play and the responsibilities he had to shoulder. Unspoken expectations of his parents were not lost on him. Silently, he shaped his persona and moulded himself to fit into what he thought was right, acceptable and worthy.

He took up science and when he could not make it to engineering joined NDA to became a commissioned Air Force officer like his uncles and elder cousins. When the time came he married Kamna, a girl of his parents’ choice. His younger brother, meanwhile, turned music into a career option. Much against their parents' wishes, he sang, composed and made forays into the film industry. After a string of relationships, he announced that marriage was not for him. Parents were disappointed but soon accepted the situation. Post-retirement, they rented out their home and moved in with Parth.

There were times when Parth felt restricted and tied down, not because he had altered his lifestyle to accommodate the larger interests of the family but because everyone always expected him to be the good boy while his sibling was forgiven for being footloose and fancy-free. Just because he could not shoulder responsibility, no one tried making him accountable. He remained erratic in his expression of affection and got away with it too. His last-minute cancellations, standing up on appointments, wriggling out of commitments and delegating assigned tasks to others never made them livid. They knew he was irresponsible and though it was unfair, transferred their expectations on to Parth who remained under pressure to perform on his and his brother's behalf. While he did not resent it in the earlier years, later it became difficult not to feel the pinch. Besides, he was in a job where money was tight.

The thought of making a switch over or going in for a drastic change did not occur to him. It was only when he found himself saddled with a boss who was mean, insulting and impossible to work with did he toy with the idea of opting out. There already was a lot of disgruntlement regarding the Services. Many of his course mates had moved out into the corporate sector. He had stuck on not because of lack of opportunities but because his own mindset was restrictive. He was set in his ways and comfortable in the cocoon he had created for himself. At 40 he felt it was too late to do anything else. But when things deteriorated at the workplace, frustration set in. For a conscientious worker like him there had never been problem in getting along with people. When his boss threatened to write negative confidential reports and stall his promotion he knew he had to do something.

His parents tried appeasing him, warning him against taking any drastic step. His hands were tied. The possibility of going out in the open, without the protective umbrella of the service community, fending for himself, his growing children, dependent wife and parents was too awesome. He had to swallow the daily insults and misbehaviour. After all no one could throw him out. He was a gazetted officer of the Indian Government with an excellent track record behind him. Yet the restlessness continued.

His father was worried he would take a decision based on the impulse of the moment. He talked to friends who could exert influence on him. Well-meaning uncles told Parth that services were still a safe bet and that the private sector was uncertain and salary packages misleading and the respect which a Uniformed officer commanded missing. Through all this subtle brain washing, it was Kamna who understood his agony and trauma. She knew he had been abused to the extent that he was itching to break away from the bondage of his existence. Beneath the pain and insults heaped in office was the hurt at having parents not see his anguish or help him find a way out.

Just talking to Kamna was a relief. While she had no miraculous escape routes, she constantly reassured and told him to do what he felt was right. If that meant leaving a job which was safe and secure, so be it. They would find a way out. She would back him all the way. He often thought had it not been for her understanding and complete faith, he might have committed suicide at that time. A stage came when he stopped communicating with his parents. He knew that while they wished well for him, his agony was not something they were prepared to acknowledge. Even for a resilient person like him who had high tolerance levels, he could no longer go to office, pretending everything was fine. His efforts at getting a transfer or taking study leave were thwarted. The set-up had become hostile.

Kamna's cousins were settled in Germany. She got in touch with them and explored the possibility of Parth finding employment. They asked him to make a reckee trip. There was opposition at home. Parents could not understand why he had to do something as drastic as this.

Firstly, why was he leaving after 18 years of service when he could complete the mandatory 20 years and earn his pension ? Also, why at this stage was he making a new beginning in a strange country, foregoing his seniority and experience ? For the first time Parth did not feel like giving explanations or justifying his actions. Things fell in place quickly. He found a job, came back to take his family convinced that one good thing would lead to another. School admissions were tied up and parents deposited with the younger brother who though a bachelor would hire an extra domestic help and take reasonably good care of them. Once the initial resistance was over and everyone realised that Parth's mind was made up, they gradually got over their sulking and came around.

Parth had finally broken out of the comfort zone that he had created for himself. A victim of routine, he had got too used to his own pattern of existence. More than his parents or his circumstances, it was he himself who had not wanted to change things. He had made half efforts and reverted back for there was comfort in familiarity and in doing things he knew. Getting into a completely unfamiliar terrain was intimidating. It needed an overhauling of attitude, mind, skills and routine which he had been reluctant to do. Thanks to his wife's timely support and slight push, he had been able to make that crossover from apprehension to certainty, fear to courage and rigidity to flexibility Surely, things could not be tougher than they already were. He had managed to take care of a large family on a fixed salary, working on a tight budget. He had always balanced the volatile tempers of his father and younger brother. He had long outgrown the nature of his job but had filled the gaps by doing his MBA and accumulating a host of management diplomas. Moving to a new country could not be more difficult than this. Sure enough within the first year he changed jobs thrice,. Kamna picked up a job and children were planning interesting careers. He felt and looked younger. New plans, new opportunities, new dreams had suddenly taken shape. All this had happened just because he had stretched his comfort zone and gone beyond what he had been doing all along.