Sunday, December 29, 2002		Life Ties

Dreams of happy retired life dashed to the ground
Taru Bahl

VARSHA remembered the day Bharat relinquished charge to his successor and curtains went down on a glorious career in an elite government ministry. He returned home and recounted how his staff and senior colleagues had gone out of their way to felicitate him. He was particularly proud of the fact that he had not turned too emotional. She recalled how he organised a private candle light dinner for her in their favourite restaurant, getting the local crooner to sing lovely romantic numbers. At the end of the evening he thanked her for contributing to his growth. It seemed such a picture-perfect ending to a day she had been so nervous about. Hadn’t she heard how men in influential positions crack up the moment they retire. The same world that they earlier inhabited seemed hostile. His positive attitude came as a relief.

She could now look forward to an unhurried life. As a lecturer, she had two more years to go before retirement. They were free of responsibility. Children were happily settled overseas. If Varsha and Bharat were still in India it was simply because they wanted to lead their own lives. Eventually, perhaps as age caught up with them, they might join their children. They had common interests like walking, participating in community welfare, satsang and reading. They had both been planning to commission the golf set which their elder son had presented and now seemed the right time. She contemplated taking VRS so that the extra money and time could be spent on travelling. There was a lot to look forward to.

Bharat was active and didn’t want to vegetate. Putting his engineering background to use, he decided to set up a small manufacturing unit based on assured industry orders.

Things seemed fine till one day he returned in an agitated state. He was tottering and incoherent. Varsha was shocked to discover stench of alcohol on his breath. Inebriated, he passed out within minutes. To see him in a state where he was unable to unfasten his shoe laces or change his clothes was difficult to reconcile to. She was still in a confused daze the morning after. Bharat was quick to realise what had happened. He profusely apologised and spent the next few days pampering her. She put it down to a stray aberration.

However her questions remained unanswered. Where had he come from ? Who was his drinking partner ? What had prompted him to go on a binge ? Was something bothering him ? Was he resenting the fact that while his business was yet to get established, she was thriving in her job, enjoying the perks and respect that come with being in a senior position?

Before the week was up, the scene repeated itself, this time with greater severity. The chowkidaar of their building complex brought sahib up lest he fall and hurt himself. Bharat was not in his senses. His tone was insolent and he was outright insulting in his communication with Varsha. The humiliation of being made to feel small in front of a durban, the fear that the episode would be fodder for the rumour mill and the possibility that they might be blacklisted from their social circle was frightening. She decided to confront him when his sanity returned. There was huge denial. He refused to accept he was drunk and he promised to be sober. Varsha so far had always regarded his drinking to be merely social drinking done in company and that too over the weekends. She decided to get to the bottom of it.

She picked up some literature from Alcoholics Anonymous just to acquaint herself with the behaviour pattern of a person who is alcohol- dependent. She consulted a doctor friend for specific information. She visited Bharat’s office to casually speak with his workers. He was apparently drinking alone in office, procuring his quota from a local wine shop. The frequency was going up, that is how the situations where he was losing control more evident. In spite of her efforts, there was no let up. Since she now knew, he was further emboldened. After every binge, he demolished her self-esteem by accusing her of all the wrongs he could vividly think of. Irrespective of who was present, he would hold her singularly responsible for pushing him to drink. The final straw was when he cast aspersions on her character.

For Varsha, life couldn’t have been more cruel. She had for long held on to the belief that hers was a perfect marriage. There had never been any reason to think otherwise. The symptoms of any behaviour disorder had not seemed evident. She talked to her sons who offered complete support and sympathy. They were willing to fly down and/or send her a ticket to join there, just to recoup. Though she did not want to burden them with worries, for a moment she felt it would have been different had they been physically with her for times to come.

Things didn’t change in spite of interventions from family, relatives and doctors. His insecurities were multiplying and he was increasingly coping with the resultant stress by turning to the bottle. It was painful to see him in this pathetic state. She could not juxtapose this image with the one she had held so close to her all these years, that of his being a respected figure. Though her own health was not perfect, she decided to soldier on at work. She knew that her college, interaction with students and the fact she could be out of the house, following a routine, was what helped her retain her sanity. She decided to talk to her principal for an extension. Work had never killed anybody. For her it was cathartic. She had to accept that she was not responsible for his drinking and that all his accusations stemmed from his own weakness as an individual. She had to detach herself from his path of self-destruction, till the time he showed an inclination for help or change. Her dreams of letting the post-retirement phase of their lives being idyllic were dashed to the ground. At 60, she had to pick herself up again and find a new meaning in life without feeling sorry for herself. She would do it.