Sunday, December 8, 2002		Life Ties

Living courageously
Taru Bahl

SANIL was a well-behaved child who liked to do things correctly. In his pre-teen years he was cautious and took pains to understand what his teachers, parents and friends expected of him before tutoring his responses. His parents were often credited for bringing up such a wonderful boy. His mother Renu had got used to playing counsellor to friends coping with adolescent blues. What set Sanil apart was his ability to adapt to different situations and people.

Renu used to say, "I never had to worry about what he was up to. I had the confidence that here was one child who knew the distinction between right and wrong and more importantly had the courage to do what was right". So while he did things which other boys did, he had his feet firmly planted on the ground, lending wisdom and maturity to his decisions, actions and behaviour patterns, making him an ideal role model for cousins and friends in his circle.

The first time he did something which did not really conform to his earlier exemplary conduct was when he insisted on pursuing theatre as a profession. For his family to accept his unconventional vocation such as this was not easy. It was fine to indulge in it as a passionate hobby but to turn it into a career where your bread and butter depended on it was difficult to swallow. Sanil enrolled in a well-known dramatic college in the UK. He urged his parents to give him two years to prove himself. He was convinced that theatre had a lot of potential and if one was creative and professional one could embark on various related peripheral avenues like stage direction, script writing, specialised music and lighting effects and customising theatre based programmes for schools, corporate houses and organisations.

Before his two years were over he was lapped up by institutes to teach theatre and hold workshops. He spent another two years travelling around the world. By the time he came back, he had amassed not just diplomas in theatre and film-making but had also gathered experience in terms of human resource development. His correct and proper behaviour had allowed him to metamorphose into a young man with courage of his convictions. He trusted his intuition and inner voice to direct his actions and decisions. He rarely sought approval from the person across and never vacillated in what he thought he was correct.

When he joined hands in business with a young filmmaker, a homosexual, his parents back home were aghast at how he could jeopardise his career. He made them see that there was no link between the boy’s sexual preference and his professional capability. They made a great team and in no way was his an emotional decision. The money was good, they had the expertise and they could confidently deliver. They got along, had worked out the business modalities and they were not going to alter any of that just because the partner was gay.

Sanil’s parents knew that their son was not doing anything as an attention-seeking device. He always trusted his gut feeling and based his decision on various factors and moral values were an area which scored the highest on the scale. There was no doubting that they had to learn to put their egos and expectations aside and feel proud of their son. After all, who decided what was socially-accepted behaviour? Was it just some rules which society set and expected people to unquestioningly follow or did it encompass a broader changing spectrum of issues which were real and felt.

The day Sanil told his mother that he had a new sister in Bela was when she realised that her son was not just correct but also a great human being.

Bela was a daughter-in-law of the family. She was married to Renu’s nephew. She had one bad marriage behind her and although Sanil’s family had accepted her, the girl’s in-laws were still grumpy. After a tumultuous three years during which she gave them a grandson, things still continued to be rocky. Her husband had a roving eye making her domestic life a living hell. Sanil, a frequent visitor to their home, since he had business interests in that city, could see the girl’s anguish. He knew she was sincere. Surely, being married before was not reason to crucify her and put her through an unending trauma. Initially, she kept her pain to herself, but Sanil was sensitive and could see that the situation needed intervention, more so since the boy’s parents were completely non-committal and disinterested and the boy himself seemed to be in no hurry for reconciliation. Bela trashed Sanil’s offer of help. He did suggest talking to his cousin or getting his mother to take up the cudgels with the parents but she felt it was useless and she had to get her act together. He would walk out on her anytime. The next time Sanil visited her, she told him that her marriage was over. He had moved out and was contemplating marriage to a girl of his parent’s choice. Sanil stayed back, took a week’s off and helped her get a job which could sustain her. Her son was already calling him ‘mama’ which in any case made her his sister. In the months and years that followed, Sanil proved to be her biggest source of strength. For expressing their solidarity with Bela, he and his family were criticised by the other members of the family. They were accused of betraying their own kin, at one point people even insinuated that there existed a relationship between Sanil and Bela. Bela’s ex-laws chose to severe ties with Sanil and his family.

The victory this time for Sanil was immense. His parents were together with him in this fight. They had stood by him to support what they collectively felt was correct. This, for him, was his biggest achievement. Not once did he have to explain or convince them of his intention. Renu did not feel sorry for her relatives ostracising her because there was pride and strength in having stood by what they believed was right.