Sunday, November 17, 2002		Life Ties

Dangers of clinical approach
Taru Bahl

VANDANA was one among seven children. A girl born in a conservative family, she resented instructions: "Don’t do this", "don’t wear that", "don’t sit provocatively", "don’t speak up in front of elders"—What made it worse was that Bhairavi, her youngest sister, got away by defying the same set of dos and don’ts. The little imp fearlessly challenged hitherto unquestioned rules and managed to be every one’s favourite. Vandana who tried hard to be the good obedient girl found everyone’s affection lukewarm. The seeds of resentment were sown early in childhood. She hated authority, yet succumbed to it. The emotional deprivation which could have made her starve for attention did just the opposite. She developed a clinical approach and trained herself to look only at the advantages that she could extract from any given situation. The finer emotional side which could make her more generous did not develop. Instead, there was a deep-seated anger against the world at large, a hatred for all those who could put their feet up and relax.

With time, she learnt to put her disappointments on the backburner. She stopped being the "poor little girl" and became guarded in her interactions to protect herself from getting hurt. Whether it was family or friends, she viewed everyone with suspicion. If someone responded warmly to her, she would not let herself reciprocate in equal measure. Her sister, on the other hand, being spontaneous and generous could forge an instant rapport with people and sustaining meaningful relationships over a long period of time. The family always made comparisons at how Vandana hardly had any friends. Her birthdays were silent affairs with her sulking most of the time while Bhairavi would lose count of the number of cards, bouquets and gifts she received. Every time the younger sister had a tiff with a friend or was suffering from an emotional low, Vandana gave herself a pat on the back, her logic was, "see, this doesn’t happen to me. Nobody can ride rough shod over me or make me swing like a pendulum. I do only as much as is required from me and I don’t expect anything in return too."

This approach further hardened with time. What actually began as an exercise in self preservation turned into a behaviour pattern, making it impossible for Vandana to have any serious relationships. Her interaction with people remained superficial. Since she suffered from no heartbreaks, she was convinced of the right ness of her approach.

Sadly, she did not miss the lightheartedness, the feeling of expansiveness or the exhilaration that comes from an intimate bond. The fact that you have to give and share your belongings, feelings, experiences, doubts and fears with those around you for people to genuinely connect with you was lost on her.

There was another darker side to her which developed simultaneously. Had she been happy with this credo, things would not have turned ugly. The truth was that she was deep down miserable, angry and abusive. Her anger did not turn violent and her abuse was not quantifiable. She unleashed negativities on those who were weaker than her. Her ayahs in the school she taught dreaded her. Being Hitlerian in order to enforce discipline or to extract maximum work was justified. People could get used to high standards of excellence but in her case they never knew when and how much of her wrath she would unleash on them. She would nag and find fault over the most trivial things, threaten them with serious implications and, at times, use insulting language.

Vandana did not do any of this in front of those who mattered. A classic case of oppression and subjugation of the weak and oppressed. This was, to her mind, a legitimate way of unleashing pent-up frustrations. It was always the weaker, helpless, needy lot who suffered her ire. At home, it was the servants who would be pushed into corners. Those who felt they had a chance outside, opted out, others bore the brunt knowing there was precious little they could do. They despised her from the bottom of their heart. It was not as if they were averse to criticism or being reprimanded. Adjusting to her changing moods, sugary sweet when other more important people were around and nasty when they were alone, was something that kept them on edge all the time.

Her devious duality in behaviour turned her more malicious. Since her victims were those who hardly had a voice, Vandana could get away for longer, thus allowing her outbursts to became more vocal and violent. There were times when those at the receiving end tried arguing back or showing their anger and defiance in ways she found intolerable. This is when she resorted to physically assaulting those whom she knew could take it, never daring those she knew would fight back.

Things came to a head when, in an attempt to teach the school matador driver a lesson and to make him realise who the boss was, she plotted and schemed before she succeeded in proving him guilty in a theft case. He knew he was being framed but how was he to prove his innocence ? Finally, fed up with the prolonged inquiry, loss of face and probability of losing a job on which hinged his and his family’s entire survival, he thought to himself, that he in any case stood to lose everything, so why not before getting axed, axe the person who had created that entire sordid mess?

In a fit of rage, he broke into Vandana’s house and physically assaulted her, with the intent of murdering her. Since he was basically not a violent person given to hurting others, he could not put all of himself in the violent mission he had embarked upon. Vandana survived but the injuries caused permanent disability. She lost the use of her legs. The driver was implicated, for which he was not really sorry. He had, in any case, resigned to spending a life in prison.

For the first time, Vandana questioned herself about where she had gone wrong. Her family realised the gravity of her mental sickness and advised her to go in for counselling. Seeing their concern, she agreed. It was as if she had come full circle from childhood to old age, albeit paying a very heavy price in the process.