Sunday, October 6, 2002		Life Ties

Trapped in mediocrity
Taru Bahl

SAARTHAK had multidimensional interests and wanted to be the best. He was a keen sportsperson, an enthusiastic public speaker and quite sociable too. Yet, he always seemed to miss the bus. Whenever he aspired to participate in a tournament he found himself excluded from the final selection and having made it, he missed being in the winning three. As the years rolled by, he became more and more conscious of his ordinariness.

He could not get married to the girl he was going steady with because he had three sisters who had to be married off. His father suffered a paralytic stroke while he was still in college and though they were not financially weak, the onus of ensuring the financial and emotional security for the family fell on him. Weighed down by the high expectations pinned on him, he matured faster than most boys his age.

When the time came to make a decision about his career, he figured he had a head for numbers. He felt chartered accountancy would be up his street as finance was being touted as the field to be in. What he did not realise was that clearing these exams would be the most devastating experience of his life. While his friends were racing ahead with management degrees and plush jobs in the corporate sector, he was struggling with studies. Unlike other savvier kids, he could not combine studying with working. He concentrated on one thing at a time and gave it his best shot. He failed one subject in every attempt of his CA exams and after six months took them all over again. He took six long years to become a full-fledged chartered accountant. In the meanwhile, there were many CAs floating around so there were not many openings. In desperation, he joined a medium-sized company with a dubious track record.

Though he slogged to turn around the functioning and perception of the organisation, he could not elevate his own career profile. Fear of rejection and/or starting afresh kept him from changing jobs. He stuck to the same organisation and this limited his professional growth. When he got married he was close to forty, fatigued and frustrated.

The birth of a daughter further dampened his spirits. The responsibility of settling a girl child was a daunting task.

His wife, Payal, was initially attracted to him due to his lack of frivolity but she now resented the very same seriousness. He was vehement about not having another child. Payal could never understand how acutely conscious Saarthak was about the financial burden he had to singlehanded shoulder. Her not being open to the idea of working irked him.

Never had Saarthak felt so victimised by his own mediocrity. Things which mattered to him like his job, family and friends were more out of a sense of obligation rather than any connection he could forge with them spontaneously. His marital relationship lacked the spark which could ignite passion. Their physical needs were met and that is all that mattered. Or so he thought. Till he met Koel in his office.

Beautiful and self-assured, she was a head turner. Her entire personality overpowered you the moment you were introduced to her. There was no way you would not look at her and dwell on what she had to say. Her exuberance and cheer was contagious. What struck Saarthak the moment he met her was that she seemed to be everything he wanted to be but could not be.

Unlike his cautious self, he was drawn to her and sought opportunities to catch a glimpse of her or snatch a few words with her.

He felt as if he was being charged by a livewire battery. He would perk up, his responses would be cheerful and his work output more productive. When she agreed to go out for coffee with him, he was surprised not at her readiness to accompany him but at his own ‘boldness’. The butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling at 45 was certainly a novel experience for him. In spite of being from different departments, they interacted frequently. Clearly, the affection was mutual.

A whirlwind year went by. He got a promotion and she got a better job offer with a rival company. He was thrilled to have made it to the position of vice-president, finance and gave the credit for it to Koel. When he realised that she was leaving, his world came crashing down. This could not be. How could she leave the company, job and him? He sulked and acted petulantly. She tried reasoning with him. She was a divorcee and had to support her old mother and teenaged son. A better job offer with better salary and perks would make a difference and besides they would always be friends. Besides, there was no commitment between them, then why did he feel thwarted and let down? Deep down, he knew that had he been in a position to make a commitment of marriage to her she would have agreed. She too knew that he was a married man and had his hands tied. Before their emotional involvement could turn serious, she wanted to move away from him. The better job offer had only facilitated that decision.

More than ever before, he felt the tentacles of his mediocrity, the chains of his middle-class values and the bondage of his own marital life choke him. The possibility of branching out on a new path seemed so near and yet so unachievable. With so many unspoken words between them, he let her go. Certain things were not meant to be. Here too, she had taught him how to accept life’s twists and turns graciously, come what may.

Without accusing him or creating any dilemma, she had decided to walk away before their relationship took off on a different plane. Like an indulgent older friend, he blessed her and let her go. For the first time in his life, he wondered if mediocrity was not such a bad thing after all. It had helped him to stay grounded. His association with Koel had changed him in more ways than one. He had been touched by her enthusiasm, non-blaming ways and the high energies that she exuded all the time. He was lucky to have encountered her.