Celebrations!

A husband and wife were dining out one evening, when the wife noticed a familiar face at the restaurant's bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar is my ex-husband and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago!"

Her husband quickly replied, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.

"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

The president of the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.

"Men, we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work four days a week!"

"Hooray!" the crowd cheered.

"We'll quit work at 4 pm and not 5 pm!"

"Hooray!" the crowd roared.

"We don't have to be in until 11 am instead of 10 am!"

"Hooray!" the crowd thundered.

"And now, even though 99 per cent of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!"

Silence.

A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, every Wednesday?"

A Blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Phoenix to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The Blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replies, "No, Ma'am. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out over the next 19 years." The Blonde says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explains that she can only have a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now then I want my dollar back!"

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)