AFTER Hacker agreed to divide the country on his advice, Sir Humphrey is, now, sure that Britain is in able hands, his hands. Sir Humphrey (to Bernard, while approaching the PM's room): "The purpose of minutes is not to record events; it is to protect people." They enter Hacker's office.

Jim Hacker: "The plan was leaked to the press. I want this traced at once. It must have been someone at yesterday's meeting." Sir Humphrey: "Well, I'll set up a leak inquiry straight away." Jim Hacker: "I don't want a leak inquiry. I want to find out who did it. The papers say that I have a confused idea of my plan. Was I that bad?" Humphrey: "I'd say you were brilliant. We can't have unfounded, arrogant press speculation." Hacker: "Even if it's accurate?" Humphrey: "Oh, especially if it's accurate."

Jim Hacker: "That's right; we can't be afraid of the press forever; a chicken's life isn't worth living. Would you want to spend your life packed in with 600 other desperate, squawking, smelly creatures, unable to breathe fresh air, move, stretch or think?" Humphrey: "Certainly not; that is why I never stood for Parliament."

Bernard: "A free press is the last resort of ordinary citizens. An ordinary person wants to stop a major government policy. What else can he do about it?"

Hacker: "Join the Civil Service!" Humphrey: "The reliable Civil Service, Prime Minister; when the press says that, in this country, 10 per cent of the employees get 90 per cent of the total salary paid in this country, we prove that, in every region, the total salary of any 10 per cent of the employees is no greater that 11 per cent of the total salary paid in this region." Hacker: "That's what I want to know: how?"

Humphrey: "Assume that there are 100 employees and 2 regions A and B in the country. Assume also that there are 10 persons in region A and 90 persons in region B. Let the salary of each employee in region A be £ 81,000 and the salary of each employee in region B be £ 1,000. The salary of 10 persons (which is 10 % of the employees) in region A is £ 810,000 (which is 90 % of the total salary). Also, the salary of any 10 % of employees in region A (of any person) is 10 % of the salary paid in this region... and same for region B."

Jim Hacker: (awestruck) "Without ever having to do anything! Brilliant!" (then recovering): "Well, of course we do what we can. There are many calls on the public purse: inner cities, schools, hospitals..." Bernard: "Tanks." Humphrey: "Rockets." Bernard: "H-bombs." Hacker: "Well, we can't really defend ourselves against the World with a Test-match victory at Lord's." Humphrey and Bernard (together): "Yes, Prime Minister."

"It is hard to find a politician who does not lie and I should congratulate you for just finding one," says Kulpreet Singh Dua (the only one with the right answer). Write at The Tribune or adityarishi99@yahoo.co.in.

— Aditya Rishi