Thinking

THE proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighbouring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. "It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

Six retired Floridians are playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him he should drop deaf!" she yells.

"OK. I'll go and tell him," says Goldberg.

A minister was invited out to dinner one day at the home of one of his parishioners. He noticed a fierce-looking mongrel dog in the corner. It seemed to be watching his every move. Every time he took a bite the dog's eye followed his hand. He remarked, "This surely is the most intelligent dog I ever saw. He seems to be interested in my every bite." "Yes, he is," said his host, "especially since you are eating out of his plate."

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.

The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car headed speeding towards them and had to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The second blonde says, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)